Stand jokes
What makes Stephen Hawking and your dumped girlfriend similar?
They can't stand up for themselves.
NASA = Not Africa North America. That's what NASA stands for.
My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."
No matter how hard I try, I will never be a stand-up comedian.
I’m going to reenact the ending of Saw (2004), except I won’t stand up and shut the door.
I love Steven Hawking’s stand-up comedy!
What do you call an emo kid standing outside the mall?
Anything, he'll cry no matter what you say.
Why didn't Steven Hawkins get into fights?
'Cause he couldn't stand up for himself.
What does CNN stand for? The Counterfeit News Network.
What does PEMDAS stand for?
Penis enters my dad and sister.
What college can Stephen Hawking not attend?
"Stand" Ford University. :3
I stole a wheelchair from a disabled kid. What is he going to do, stand up?
Someone was bullying Stephen, so I said, "Why do you not stand up for yourself?"
When prostitutes misbehave, do their pimps make them stand out on the corner with a "For Rent" sign on their crotch?
Little Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher said, "Okay, everyone, tomorrow you must come to school and recite the first three letters of the alphabet." Johnny didn't know the alphabet, so he decided to ask his family. He walked into the kitchen to find his mom on the phone. He says, "Mama, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" His mom doesn't notice him standing there and says, "If you don't shut the fuck up right now-" So he goes to find his brother watching TV, and he says, "Tommy, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" His brother doesn't notice him and says, "I'm Batman." So he went to his grandma who was knitting and says, "Grandma, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" The grandma then realizes she left her biscuits in the oven for too long and says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!" Satisfied with the answers given to him, he thinks it over and goes to school the next morning. When his teacher comes to Johnny, she says, "Johnny, what are the first three letters of the alphabet?" "If you don't shut the fuck up right now," Johnny says. "Who do you think you are, young man, to talk to someone like me that way?" the teacher asks. "I'm Batman," Johnny says. The teacher whups his ass, and little Johnny says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!"
Later that day, he understands what happened and can't tell which was worse, that he accidentally cussed at his teacher or that his family was ignoring him.
I asked what LGBTQ stands for, and I couldn’t get a straight answer.
Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says to the other, "What do you think about that mad cow disease?"
The other replies, "Well I don't have to worry about it. You're talking to a telephone pole."
What do the initials "MAD" stand for?
Mothers Against Democrats.
Who's never the last man standing?
Stephen Hawking.
What does RIP stand for on Maddie's head stone?
Raped in Portugal!