Squirrel jokes

Where do squirrels go for fun?

The acorn-ival.

Trump: Caillou, can you please stop whining? That squirrel didn’t just eat our pizza, he also ditched your dad, and he’s your stepdad now.

Caillou: Why I’m bald, Trumpy?

Trump: I don’t know, but what I do know is that you’re a massive shit stain.

These are all of my terrible jokes.

Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married. The ceremony was alright, but the reception was amazing.

A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender said, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says, "Does this taste funny to you? I'm joking of course!"

Dejamoo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident and said to the doctor "I can't feel my legs." The doctor said, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

I went to seafood disco last week, I pulled a muscle.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one says, "Dam!"

A mystic dwarf escapes from a jail, the call went out for a "small medium at large."

A man walks into a bar with solid tar under his arm, he says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.

Yo mama so fat that she should be worried, diabetes is a serious problem.

What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, duh.

A priest, a rabbi, and a cleric walk into a bar. The cleric, due to his religious constructions, does not drink alcohol. The others do the same, they have a pleasant fun and nothing bad happens.

What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

I remember the last words my grandad said before he kicked the bucket, "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

A man walks into a bar, his alcohol independence is pulling this family apart.

I like my coffee like my women, on sometimes with a penis.

A man is working at a bar, a money comes in and orders a banana martini. The man wakes up and tells his story to his wife, he is ignored and he turns around sobbing. His marriage is falling apart.

Why didn't Jesus play hockey? Soccer and baseball are more popular in Mexico.

What's green and has wheels? Grass, the wheels were a lie.

What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have wheels except the duck.

Why couldn't the dinosaur break the wall? I don't know. I'm asking you.

Why did the old woman put rainbow roller skates on her walker? She has dementia.

There are an owl and a squirrel watching a farmer go by, they owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing. It's an owl it can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because the owl is a bird of prey.

What did the squirrel say to the dog?

"There are nuts in your poop. I found them!"

Q: How do you catch a squirrel?

A: Act like a nut.

(Psst! Heard this joke before? Sorry! That's the only nut-and-squirrel joke I know.)

An emo girl and a squirrel both fall out of a tree. Who hits the ground first? The squirrel. The rope stops the emo girl.

The other day a squirrel asked me for a job. I asked him, "What jobs did you have previously?"

Calmly he answered, "I am a pilot. I can pick it up from here and pile it over there. I also can fly a sign!"

"Too bad, this is a nut cannery, and we're 100% automated. We don't need anyone at this time, sorry."

"No worries, I'm totally nuts anyway. Guess I'll fly a sign across town, don't have bus fare!"

This boy's eyebrow was so bushy, everyone thought that it was a squirrel tail! XD

How come Mr. Squirrel watches porn sometimes?

Sometimes he feels like a nut, sometimes he don't.

What do you call a squirrel with wings? A flying squirrel, it's pretty self-explanatory.

Dees was a squirrel who had big nuts.

Everybody loved dees big nuts.

Q: What's the best way to eat a squirrel?

A: Open up its little legs.

A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "I forgot to store acorns for winter, so now I am dead!" Haha, it is funny because the squirrel gets dead.

Why do squirrels love dick?

Because it produces nut.

How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut!

One time there was a squirrel who died.

It was funny because the squirrel got dead.

What did the squirrel say when he chewed some saggy boobs?

Is it just me or do these taste like nuts?

What do you call a squirrel that flies? A flying squirrel.

Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂

Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.

Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.

I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.