SOS Jokes

So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.

The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.

So, there's Fred and Frank. Now, they've been friends for years, but Fred, see, he's depressed. Badly.

Either way, so F+F are texting each other, and here's how it goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge too harshly)

Frank: Yo

Fred: Hi...

Frank: U heard about de competition?

Fred: Yeah...

Frank: You wanna hang out?

Fred: .......

Frank: What? I've got some noose (news) for you.

Fred: ...I(

Frank: Fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan, though. We don't wanna be hanging on the end.

Fred: *sigh* You know....you really can't rope me into this competition.

Why is Martin Luther King so bad at laundry?

He won't separate the whites from the colors...

So Paul Walker made a rap cover. It is called "Straight Out of Windshield."

Your momma is so skinny, she hula hoops with a Cheerio!

I love telling stories as theatrical plays. When we had a free dress day near Christmas, my teacher dressed up as a reindeer, so I got my teacher involved... and shot her.

Jack and Jill went up the Jill so Jack could lick Jill's fanny, but Jack had a shock with a mouthful of cock because was actually a tranny.

Yo mama so fat, she has her own event horizon.

Hell in Greek times was known as cold and misty... so now just look at Seattle.

Your forehead's so big, when you were being born, the doctors thought you had no face.

Why is it so difficult to watch hentai?

They moan louder than your speakers.

Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.

Why’s it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl? You gotta drop the bomb twice.

Tj's hairline is so far back, Blue's Clues can't find it.

Roses are red, violets are black, your mum's so fat she sold her son for 10 Big Macs.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.

What's so great about dead baby jokes? They never get old.

Wanted to get the scoop on history of ice cream, so I went to Sunday school.

How is Stephen Hawking so smart? He uploads it to his software.

What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?

They melted him down and turned him into Lego, so kids could play with him for once.

So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."