SOS jokes

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.

What's so great about dead baby jokes? They never get old.

Wanted to get the scoop on history of ice cream, so I went to Sunday school.

How is Stephen Hawking so smart? He uploads it to his software.

What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?

They melted him down and turned him into Lego, so kids could play with him for once.

So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."

My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.

So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.

A girl said to me yesterday, "I don't know why men act like they are better than women, we all know women are supreme." I was confused, so I asked her how, and she told me, "Well, us women have a pussy, ass, and tits, while guys only have a penis. Women have 3 things while guys only have 1. Women are obviously supreme over men." I told her, "Actually, guys have more than women." "How so?" "Men have rights."

Once i was walking along the beach and there was a girl with no arms or legs there, i walked by and she said excuse me, will you touch me ive never been touched before, i was like okay so i touched her, i kept on walking along and there was the same girl, she said sir will you kiss me, i went alright so i went up and kissed her, i thought that was weird but anyway i kept walking along and there she was again, she said sir will you fuck me? I went okay so i picked her up and threw her in the ocean and went YOUR FUCKED NOW

So, there was a kid named Bobby, and he was writing notes. He asked his mother, who was on a phone call, "what is one plus one?" She said, "I HATE YOU." Then he asked his brother what is 2 + 2, who was watching a Batman movie, said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" Then he asked his dad what is 4 plus 4, who was playing football, said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he asked his sister 8+8, (she was playing with barbies), and she said, "My buns are burning." Then he went to school and told her teacher the first note he wrote down. The teacher sent him to the principal’s office. The principal yelled, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!" Bobby said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" The principal yelled, "HOW MANY SPANKINGS DO YOU WANT?!" Then he said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he walked away from the principal’s office and said, "my buns are burning."

There was this kid who was going to take a girl to the dance. He had fancy clothes, fancy shoes, etc. Finally, the day of the dance came. He happily drove over to the girl's house. When he got there, he said to her father, "thank you for this moment, have a great night".

At the dance, the girl asks the boy, "can I have some food?" He gladly replies "yes" and walks over to the food trucks, only to see a huge line. So he waits in line for like 30 minutes. He comes back to the girl, and she says, "thank you so much, I really needed something to eat". Then she asks for some sweets and a soda. Again the boy waits in line for about 30-45 minutes. Then he comes back, and she says, "thank you SOOOO much". Then she says she has one more request. The boy, (now clearly agitated) says, "what is it?" She says, can I have some punch? SO the boy walks over to the punch table, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.

A white dude walks up to a Muslim and says, "So you're an Indian?" and the Muslim says, "No brotha, I'm not 7-Eleven, I'm 9/11."

Kenney lost his virginity to a $10 hooker, but he only had to pay $5. She was his sister, so he got the family discount.

I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

Yo mama's so ugly that even Hello Kitty had to say goodbye.

A woman walks into a supermarket and sees a blind man swinging a dog around in the air. So, the woman walks up to him and asks, "What are you doing?" The man says, "Just having a look around."

These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says, "I can't stand my mother-in-law." The other says, "So, just eat the potatoes."

If Stephen Hawking was so fucking smart, why hasn't he learned to walk yet?

Yo mama so ugly that when she was born, the doctor looked at her face, then at her butt and said, "Twins!"

What do you call a blonde in a freezer?

Her parents called her Cindy, so we should probably continue calling her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

joe: Are your mom and dad nice?

zozo: Well, they were until I murdered them over a bottle of Pringles.

joe: Oh, so you are an orphan and a murderer.