SOS jokes

Your mom is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.

Your hairline's so far back that Dora the Explorer couldn't find it.

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie.

Your hairline is so far back that your dad still can't find his way back home.

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.

My therapist once said, "time heals all wounds." So I stabbed him. Now we wait...

Ariana Grande had 7 husbands, so she had 7 rings.

I hate jokes about 9/11... every joke has the tendency to crash and burn.

"I didn't get the joke at first, but then it hit me like a plane," the joke was so dark a cop almost shot it.

You're so fat the only letters of the alphabet you know are K, F, and C.

Your teeth are so spread out my mom can drive her car through the gap in your teeth.

My dad is so good at instruments, he said he loves to finger "a minor."

Why do Emos love Christmas? So they can pretend they're ornaments and hang themselves on trees. Hope you liked it, happy holidays!

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

So they can get in the cast!

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

Why is it so easy to bully an orphan? What are they gonna do, tell their mum?

So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."

Two skeleton brothers are talking.

1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"

2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"

Your hairline goes so far back, the dinosaurs saw it before you did.

An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.

*A few minutes later*

son: There.

mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?

son: Dad showed me before he died.

mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*