SOS jokes

Yo mama so fat, she plays ping pong with the planets.

I saw a kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working in an orphanage.

I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I ran five miles today. I ran over 5 miles.

My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.

My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.

Why was the math book so sad? Because it was filled with problems.

My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds," so I shot him in the nuts.

Now we wait...

Roses are red, violets are blue. Get over here so I can fuck you.

So the other day, I saw a child in a wheelchair.

He was getting bullied a lot, so I came up and said, "Why don't you stand up to those bullies?"

Yo mama so stupid, she said, "Where are my gifts?" on Father's Day.

This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.

I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.

So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!

There is a feminist group in my town.

It is called Gal-Qaeda.

(I actually got this from The Simpsons, so credit to the show.)

Your hairline's so messed up that even Martin Luther King Jr. couldn't have a dream about it.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,

"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"

Why does Batman’s mask only cover half of his face?

So the police can see that he’s white.

A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll fuck you for $10." The boy says, “I would, but I don't have any money.” She says, “Ok, I'll take the duck instead.” He says ok, so they go upstairs and fuck.

The prostitute says, “That’s the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back and we can do it again.” So they do and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up fuck.

Why was the staircase so sad?

Because everyone walks on them.

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."

Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?