SOS jokes

Why are orphans so bad at baseball?

They can never make it home.

Yo mama so poor, the ducks throw bread at her.

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

The Big Bang happened 16.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created or destroyed. Therefore, we are all technically 16.8 billion years old. So, to answer your question, officer, yes, she is of age.

Did you know that you can die from laughing? Well, that’s why I laugh so much.

Yo mama so stupid she studied for a COVID-19 test.

My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.

Now we wait.

So, a daughter asks her father, "Dad, what is your opinion on abortions?" Her father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?" The daughter responds, "But I don't have a sister... Oh."

So there I was, fucking my sister, and she shouts, "God, you fuck like Dad!" I then said, "Damn, that’s what Mom said."

Why did Trump go to Jeffrey's secret Island?

So he could trump that little bitch!

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

You're so scary that even your hairline ran away.

I'm so proud of my Grandpa. He killed Hitler himself.

I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."

I threw a Asian down some stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.

Your mama's so fat, scientists found a new planet called Heranus.

Why are orphans so good at tennis?

Because that’s the only love they get.

If Uranus is so gross, why do they take HD photos of it?

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"