My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.
Now we wait.
The Big Bang happened 16.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created or destroyed. Therefore, we are all technically 16.8 billion years old. So, to answer your question, officer, yes, she is of age.
Did you know that you can die from laughing? Well, that’s why I laugh so much.
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
They can never make it home.
So, a daughter asks her father, "Dad, what is your opinion on abortions?" Her father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?" The daughter responds, "But I don't have a sister... Oh."
Yo mama so poor, the ducks throw bread at her.
A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.
Why did Trump go to Jeffrey's secret Island?
So he could trump that little bitch!
I'm so proud of my Grandpa. He killed Hitler himself.
You're so scary that even your hairline ran away.
I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."
I threw a Asian down some stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.
Your mama's so fat, scientists found a new planet called Heranus.
Why are orphans so good at tennis?
Because that’s the only love they get.
If Uranus is so gross, why do they take HD photos of it?
So there I was, fucking my sister, and she shouts, "God, you fuck like Dad!" I then said, "Damn, that’s what Mom said."
So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.
Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"
A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."
