SOS jokes

Yo' mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other.

I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."

Why are orphans so good at tennis?

Because that’s the only love they get.

I lost at Kahoot, so I had to ka-shoot.

Your forehead is so big that teachers use it as a whiteboard.

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.

Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.

Why do they make glow-in-the-dark condoms?

So gay people can play Star Wars.

You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”

That's the best I've done so far.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

Yo mama's so fat, when she fell I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

Why are Japanese people's eyes so squinted?

Do you know how bright an atomic bomb is?

Friend 1: Eyyy gurl

Me: Hey! (Fake smile)

Friend 2: Hey g-guys what 'bout we play would you rather?

6 hours later

Friend 2: So (name) would u rather? 1. "Hang" out with me Or 2. "Jump" 1 times?

Me...e-eh?...Why not both????? We could just "Jump" while "Hanging" out right?

So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!

My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.

Yo mama so ugly, she went to the bathroom and scared the sh*t out of the toilet.

So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."