SOS Jokes

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.

Friend: "You are so ugly." Me: "You can't be talking, you give Freddy Krueger nightmares."

Your forehead is so big that teachers use it as a whiteboard.

I lost at Kahoot, so I had to ka-shoot.

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.

Your hairline is so far back, Paw Patrol couldn't finish their mission.

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”

That's the best I've done so far.

Why do they make glow-in-the-dark condoms?

So gay people can play Star Wars.

Your breath is so bad that when Santa came to your house for your present, he brought toothpaste.

You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.

Yo mama's so fat, when she fell I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

Friend 1: Eyyy gurl

Me: Hey! (Fake smile)

Friend 2: Hey g-guys what 'bout we play would you rather?

6 hours later

Friend 2: So (name) would u rather? 1. "Hang" out with me Or 2. "Jump" 1 times?

Me...e-eh?...Why not both????? We could just "Jump" while "Hanging" out right?

So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!

Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"

The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack can eat her candy. He got sick when he got a mouthful of dick and realized her name was Randy.

I used to keep asking a woman if I can rape her until she got so annoyed and said, "Stop asking me."

Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways, wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes.