SOS jokes

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND the house.

Yo mama so short that when she tried to sniff meth, she couldn’t get high.

Yo mama is so fat that Thanos had to snap his fingers twice to get her out of existence.

Yo mama so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he asked her to move out the way.

Your hairline is so far back, just like your dad is from you.

Wanted to go to the zoo, it was too packed, so I went to KFC instead. Their monkey enclosure is better anyway.

Q: Do you know why God created yeast infections?

A: So women will know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt, too.

Why are gay dudes so rude?

Because they're fucking assholes.

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

I saw a Black person riding a bike, so I ran back to my garage. He was still eating.

Why was Helen Keller so bad at driving?

Because she's a woman.

So I was living with a girl for a few weeks, and it was nice until she found out that I was there.

Why do lesbians get their belly button pierced?

So they have a place to hang the air freshener.

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

So my dad tells these jokes and someone posted one on this website so...

How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? 101, one to hold the light bulb and 100 to spin the house.

There’s also one about a bowling ball in a bath tub he hasn’t told me that though. I'll research that.

There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”

The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”

The third blonde says “so we go at night.”

My friend and I were at the mall and decided to try on some necklaces. He said, "I think you should get the one over there." I do. I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it. I asked him, "Did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?"

My departed uncle was a circus clown before he died.

So all his friends came in one car.

"Octo" means 8 and an octopus has 8 legs... so where did the "pus" come from?