SOS jokes

When you steal the weird pet rock, so he pulls out his pet Glock.

So an orphan was crying in a corner in the dark. Then a man came over and asked, "Why are you crying?"

Then said, "Do you want me to get your parents?"

At weddings, old people poke me and say, "You're next!" So I do the same to them at funerals.

Your mum is so fat that when she wore a yellow coat people called taxi!

Yo mama so ugly that she turned Medusa to stone.

A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman “you're an ugly bitch.”

The mother grabs her son and says, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."

What is so similar about a concrete block and a garden?

They both make vegetables.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so they could fuck in the water. But Jack forgot to use protection and now they have a daughter.

You're so ugly you scared the crap out of the toilet!

One day, little Johnny and little Susan were in bible class. Little Susan had been tired that day, so she kept falling asleep. The teacher said to little Susan, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a push pin, and she yelled, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher goes, "That's right, go back to bed." Then, the next thing the teacher asked was, "Who gave up their son for our sins?" Little Johnny poked her again, and she yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher says, "That's right, go back to bed." The next question the teacher asked was, "What did Adam say to Eve after their 13th child?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt again. She yelled, "If you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break it in half and shove it up your own ass and see how you like it!"

How do you get a woman to give head? Force it down her throat and hold the back of her head. Make her gag for a little and then pull out. Do this over and over for 30 seconds or so. If she doesn't open up, choke her and force her mouth open.

Woman aren't human anyways... lol.

Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.

So I don’t get pepper sprayed.

Roses are red, violets are blue, you are so ugly that no one likes you.

So I got my sister shampoo for her birthday, and she stood there and threw her wig on the floor.

Boy: The principal is so dumb!

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No...

Girl: I am the principal's daughter!

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No...

Boy: Good! *Walks away*

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad, oh my god!

Yo mama was so fat, Huggy Wuggy couldn't fit his arms around her!

Why were 9/11 victims so mad?

They ordered three pepperoni pizzas, not two planes!

God died for your sins, so basically if you don't sin then Jesus died for nothing.