SOS jokes

I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

I had a friend named Mari. Sadly, she did drugs.

So one day I go up to her and say, “Mari-juana do this???” She later asked me to leave forever... I don’t gnome why, but... it CRACKed me up a bit!!!

What is it about a beard and glasses that children find so sexy?

You're so fat, no one was laughing, but the floor was cracking!

So I was on a Discord call the other day, and one of my friends, an American buddy, joined, and we had a conversation.

Until they said: "When did pounds change to quid?"

And I said: "They're the exact same thing."

Then they said: "But when did it happen?"

So I said: "When did school change to shooting range?"

Yo momma so short... You can see her feet on her driver's license photo!

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Cakatoo."

"Cakatoo who?"

"So, you're a Rooster now?"

My friend Liam has a hairline [if you can even call it a hairline] so bad it keeps going back for miles.

Yo mama so dumb, she went to the eye doctor to get an iPhone.

We were so poor when we were kids, dad used to jerk off the dog to feed the cat.

Grandpa said, "No phone near the table," so I said, "You're not allowed near the school."

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

Your mama's so fat, when she jumps in the pool, the water jumps out!

Michael Jackson's nose is so steep, it can be a ski ramp.

Little Johnny said he wanted a coffee, so his mom said he can have one.

He got an espresso, not knowing "depresso" came with it.

Been watching Smackdown DVDs, and I'm so erect right now. I'm so bricked up.

I saw some twins, so I threw a paper plane at them.

Why is 10 so sad? Because it was in the middle of 9/11.