Someone jokes
*At A Funeral For Someone Who Jumped Off A Building* Victim's Mom: "I wonder what was the last thing that went through his head..."
Me: "Honestly... Probably his ass."
I hope next time you ask your teacher to go to the toilet, your teacher says no, but when someone else asks, the teacher says yes to them.
Orphan lady: Ok kids, someone donated groceries.
Orphans: YAY!
5 minutes later...
Orphans: Wait... where's the...
Orphan lady: *tries to hold daughter*
Person who donated: *holds milk in hand* hehe
What does NASA stand for? Nobody Asked, Someone Answered.
Why do orphans like to have sex?
So they can finally have someone to call "daddy."
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender.
If you kill someone, that's murder.
If you kill a family member, that's still murder.
If you kill a child, that's "child abuse."
Like, if you hate wearing a mask.
Every time I'm out in public, and I see someone without their mask, I always feel like there is something extra special about them. Then I realize that I can see all their face!
True story by the way.
Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."
Father: "Sorry."
Why is Stephen Hawking not scared of anyone?
His wheelchair always backs him up.
Say this when showing this website to someone: "You know, it's too bad this website doesn't have a homepage."
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole, it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"
If I had a dollar for every time someone did something stupid,
I would have approximately 7.8 Billion dollars.
When I try to roast someone; Boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii you stink!
What do you call someone that looks like Stephen Hawkins and is a space head? Byron Davey.
I hate it when people say to suck it up... I mean, sometimes I don’t want someone’s dick in my face.
When someone says don't talk back to me, say, "I wasn't aware that answering a question was considered talking back."
A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."
What do you do after you rape a deaf girl?
Cut off her fingers so she can't tell anyone.