If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.
The vampire was kept awake all night because of his wife's coughin' (coffin...coughin'...get it?)
What did Joe say when he saw his girlfriend sleeping with his sister?
Nothing, he just started wanking.
Last night I had a dream I was swimming in lemonade... turns out I peed the bed.
Two old people sitting on a bench. One turns to the other and says, "My butt fell asleep." The other says, "Yep, I heard it snore a couple of times."
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
The cabinet had sleeping pills.
My friend tried to sleep on napkins.
I guess that's why they're called NAP-kins.
After sleeping with her boyfriend for the first time, the lead singer of Blackbriar told her friend all about it: "I Zora Cock!"
What did one pillow say to the other?
Nothing, meh, they just sang a song about a rogue chicken whose feathers had been sacrificed to make them.
Why can't Jordan moan?
Because his parents are in the room next to him. Asleep.
My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
There was a kidnapping at school.
Don't worry, he woke up.
Q: What’s the difference between a sleeping lady and an onion?
A: One doesn’t scream when you try to chop it up.
I slept like a log last night... woke up in the fireplace.
Why take a nap on the toilet?
Because it's a restroom.
I woke up on the floor this morning. I think I woke up on the wrong side though.
Mom! I think that dad is sleeping.
Mom: No, honey, I killed him.
I was up all night because my neighbors were having sex.
*I was actually up all night watching.*
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
