Situation jokes
My dad is unlucky.
The first time I EVER HAD SEX I WAS ALL ALONE. You know why?
IT WAS DARK and I WAS ALL ALONE!
Sat at a busy intersection with a slice of bread, waiting for a traffic jam.
Cut a hole in the rug so he could see a dirty floor show.
He took hay to bed to feed his nightmare.
Took a tape measure to bed to see how long he slept.
Put his nose out the window so the wind will blow it.
Died with his boots on because he didn't want to hurt his toes when he kicked the bucket.
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"
The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."
The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"
The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."
The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."
Wyatt is a guy who still doesn't have a girlfriend because he didn't sit with Yanely and Jasmine at lunch. Funny joke, huh?
A blind man is going for a walk. Eventually, he reaches a fish market.
He yells, "Hello ladies!"
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at funerals.
What is a definition of tight?
A. Putting a blind man in a round room and saying, "Your dinner's in the corner."
Why was 10 so scared? Because he was in the middle of 9/11.
A man walks into a forest and sees a girl crying. He asks her, "What is wrong?"
She replies, "I lost my family, my friends, and my home."
The man then unties his pants and says, "Then young lady, your day is about to get worse!"
I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.
When the school shooter finds you under the table,
"Wonderful weather we're having!"
Knock knock.
Who's there?
You.
You who?
Don't you get it? You're the joke, dumbass!
Orphan: I want to kill my parents.
Random kid: I don’t think you have the facilities to do that, big man.
Three guys walk into a bar; the fourth one ducks.
What did the girl say when she ran through the door?
Ouch.
Who are you?
Oh, I'm an orphan!
Oh... bye! :/
How does a well-educated graduate approach a delicate situation?
I don't know, how does a well-graduated education approach a what?
With a degree!
What do you call a disabled person drowning?
A boat.
Is laughing a problem?
Laughing at what?
I want to jump.
Jump—what?
Jump off the hook.