Situation jokes
A blind person walks into a bar.
Because they can’t see where they are going.
So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"
Two kids were sitting at a restaurant. One said, "Could I please have some water? I am feeling a little HORSE." The other said, "Animal Puns? TOUCAN play at that game."
Why do people always talk about 9/11, but seriously, just let it sit there, like the rubble it is.
Ex-girlfriend: "I can smell fish."
Ex-boyfriend: "I can smell shit."
Ex-boyfriend: "Well, how many boys swam down there?"
Ex-girlfriend: "20!"
Fish: "It wasn't me. I don't swim around mistakes."
I hate it when people say to suck it up... I mean, sometimes I don’t want someone’s dick in my face.
What’s worse than Sally in one trash can?
Sally in 13 trash cans.
A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.
I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.
A friend texts to another:
"Hey." They reply, "What's up?"
The first friend then replies with a simple answer, "The sky!" But the other friend intervenes and says, "No, it's the ceiling!"
To then the first friend finishes the greeting with, "Unless you're homeless or six feet under."
Why did Sarah fall off the swings? Because she had no arms.
Why couldn't she get up? Because she had no friends.
What's worse than 5 babies tied to 5 trees?
1 baby tied to 5 trees.
My life is a joke.
What does it mean when a man sits on a boulder instead of on the ground? A bolder choice.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
I love how in horror movies the person calls out, "Hello," as if the psycho will answer, "Hey, what's up? I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"
Three guys walk into a bar; the fourth one ducks.
How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
You wave at him.
Who am I sitting next to?
When the grass is bloody, You play in the mud...