Show jokes
This orphan showed me a family photo.
But it was just a selfie.
Hi, my name is unknown guy! Please comment on the pictures I show you and join my group!
Why can't orphans go on game shows?
You need a family member.
It was September 10, 2001, when I stayed up watching TV shows.
I woke up late for work at The World Trade Center, but it was burning. I said out loud, "I was late! I'm happy I was late to work! I mean... I could've di-" I was then beaten and bruised by the emergency services.
Me: U know the show called Imagine Dragons?
Friends: No, what is it?
Me: Imagine dragon this nuts across yo mouth.
It was a sunny day and I was in school. I had history lessons and we had a cool subject! The subject was about Penaldo, the man who statpadded against small teams and camped in the pen spot! Our teacher showed us a map with marked countries in which Penaldo dived like a dolphin!
The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast,
honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
The popular girl told me, "I bet your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!"
Two weeks later, she shows up pregnant.
...
I guess her rubber broke too.
Howard Stern rules, b*tches!
I was doing a magic show. I tried to make a bunny disappear, but it didn’t work.
I walked outside in shame. I looked up and realised the towers had disappeared!!!!
One day I was walking next to a homeless man, and he was eating grass. I asked him if he was hungry. He said yes. I said, "Follow me." You should have seen his face when I showed him my backyard!
I showed my family a few Charlie Kirk debates.
They called him a pain in the neck.
OK, bye.
Walter White.
How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?
Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"
What did the magician do as a trick in his show?
Make your doubts about magic... DISAPPEAR!
I was at a My Chemical Romance meet and greet that Gerard didn’t attend, I just thought... “NO WAY!”
Little Johnny was walking down a dirt country road, and he came upon an old farmer leaning against a fence looking sad, shaking his head. He walked up to the old farmer and asked him what's wrong. The old farmer said, "My mule, he just won't do nothing. He don't work anymore, always looking sad, barely eats, just sad." Little Johnny said, "Can I go talk to him?" "Sure," the old farmer said, "he's back in the barn." Little Johnny went back in the barn, saw the mule just sad, and sighing. A few minutes later, Little Johnny came out and said, "Your mule is fixed." The old farmer ran in, and saw the mule laughing, just rolling, and crying laughing. "Thank you, thank you," the old farmer said, and Little Johnny was on his way. Well, a few days later, Little Johnny was walking down the same old dirt road, and came upon the old farmer again, looking sad. "What's the matter?" Little Johnny asked. "It's my mule again. Ever since you talked to him, he won't do nothing, he won't work, just laughing all day. What did you say?" "Can I go in and talk to him again?" Little Johnny asked. "Sure," said the old farmer, "he's back in the barn." Little Johnny went in the barn and a few minutes later came back out. "Your mule is fixed, sir." The old farmer went in and saw the mule crying, crying really hard. The old farmer came running out of the barn, "Hey boy! What did you say to my mule? One day he's sad, then laughing, now he's crying. Just what did you say to my mule?" Little Johnny smiled and answered, "Well, the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his; this time I showed it to him."
My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.
So I had him bring my wife.
I was digging in a garden once and found a chest full of gold. I wanted to show my wife, but then I thought about why I was digging in the first place.
What happens to a cannibal who shows up late for dinner? He gets the cold shoulder.