Short jokes
What do most 50-year-old men put inside their cars?
Children.
The depressed kid getting bullied.
The bully: "You are useless."
The depressed kid: "I know."
Why can't an orphan play Family Feud? Because it has to have a family.
What is a pedophile's favorite song?
Jerking off in A minor.
What's the difference between an American 12-year-old and an African 12-year-old? About 40 pounds.
What's the difference between humans and bullets?
Humans miss John Lennon.
What's the difference between Jesus and the baby I have in my basement?
Jesus died a virgin.
Son: Dad, am I adopted?
Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?
Why are babies called bundles of joy?
When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.
What do 9-11 and a fighter have in common? They both have a one-two combo.
Once I saw a mirror... and that was when I got the ability to become a ghost.
What was Osama Bin Laden's favorite drink?
A Double Manhattan.
What does a priest hold on to when having sex?
He holds on to the schoolbag.
Did you know cannibals ate KFC?
Kentucky Fried Children.
I'm trying to come up with a set-up for an amputee joke, but I'm stumped.
You know, I like my girls how I like my 9/11: Two twins that go down easy.
I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.
If you turn the word "racecar" backwards, it says "racecar".
But if you turn the racecar sideways, you have Paul Walker's blood on your hands.
When I ask my dad if I got adopted, he said, "Not yet, no one wants you."
Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?
A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!