Short jokes

What’s the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

Why are Indian people bad at Monopoly?

Because whenever they hit the corner, they build a shop.

Roses are red, violets are blue, You're so flat we can play chess on your chest!

Why do emos suck at playing tic-tac-toe on their wrists?

Because when they win, they lose.

If you don’t know the difference between their, there, and they’re, then you're an idiot.

Why are gay men better than straight women?

Because gay men are more willing to look after kids once they swallow them.

What type of game is Africa playing at the moment?

The Hunger Games!

Lil bro's hairline is making me hungry wit that M shape also hitten me wit that damb batab bat bat baaa.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him $1.

I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

If all women disappeared one day, it would be a pain in the ass.

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Marriage is really educational.

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"

Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."

How is a marriage like a hurricane?

In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.

When the emo girl is in a movie and the director says, "Cut."

How do you make the grass cut itself?

Make it depressed.