Short jokes
What's 2ft long, blue, and stiff and keeps a woman up all night?
Cot death.
I asked the homeless woman if I could take her home. She said yes, so I took it.
My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.
I said, "Maybe."
What is worse than seeing your sibling drown?
Getting the water bill.
How do you ground a Gen Z?
Make them go outside and socialize.
My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.
He never talks about it.
Why do they call matches, matches?
They all look the same.
Dear NASA, your mom thought I was big enough.
–Pluto.
There are 3 Genders.
1: Man
2: Woman
3: Mentally ill.
I rub lipstick on my forehead to make up my mind.
What do orphans do at parent teacher meetings?
What happens when the orphan at school gets sent home?
My friend: “Vaporeon is my favorite Pokémon.”
Me: “Hey, did you kno-“
What’s the worst part about a dead prostitute?
You end up doing all the work.
A Scotsman at the hairdresser: "How much is a haircut?"
"Six pounds."
"And shaving?"
"Three pounds."
"Good, then shave my head."
Why do Asians excel at math?
Because their dog can never eat their homework.
What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?
Santa got the milk.
Why are carpenters never horny after work?
Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.
Who is Bill Cosby’s favorite Disney princess?
Sleeping Beauty.
Why are obese jokes so offensive?
Because fat people have enough on their plate.