Seen jokes

If mom saw you, she would die and be happy because of you being ugly.

What does a blind man crying and an unplugged TV have in common?

Nothing can be seen when they get turned on.

Your hairline is so far away that Jesus could've seen it when he was on the cross.

I don’t see why people say that emo kids don’t like to hangout. I seen them hanging all day.

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

Why is a brick always hard? Because he seen the brick that was getting laid right next to him.

Ryan: Mother, if you had 10 cookies, and I took 4 away from you, how much do you have?

Mother: I will still have ten cookies, because I will not give any to you.

Ryan: What if I forcefully take 4 cookies away from you?

Mother: I will have 10 cookies and a dead body.

Ryan and his mother had cookies that day. Ryan took all 10 cookies. He was never seen again. R.I.P Ryan.

My girl asked me if I had seen a gorilla anywhere. I told her yes, I did see one a minute ago at the Central Park Zoo. He said if you don't behave, he will take you back to the jungle and have your ass abandoned for good.

Have you ever seen a baby unicorn? No! Because unicorns are gay rainbows in equine form.

You know what's crazy? Is that the low taper fade, like, meme, is still MASSIVE. Still MASSIVE. Like, I'm still seeing like, new ones, that I've never seen before, and they're getting millions of likes and millions of views.

I saw your mom at work the other night. She was talking about how good she was doing.

Hands down, best $20 blowjob ever.

I saw a news ad on TV about a dad coming home after getting milk. I said, "I've never seen that one before!"

GOOD MORNING USA!!!! I GOT A FEELING THAT IVE SEEN A FUCKIN NlGGER TODAY!!!

Bro, this guy's hairline I saw the other day was nowhere to be seen.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.

Things you say before sex, Disney addition:

"Have you seen my Mouseketool? Oh, Toodles!"

A girl walks up to her blind friend who she had not seen in a while and says: "Long time no see!"

Angela: Kris, I just met the nicest, sweetest guy ever.

Kristie: Who is he and what is his name?

Angela: His name is Kevin.

Kristie: Kevin? I remember him. He said he had to go to Italy for a meeting, never seen him after that. What the hell is Kevin doing here?

Angela: I don't know.

A man walks into a bar. He sees a family court judge, his wife, her lawyer, and a police officer. He gets on his hands and knees and prays to God out loud. The bartender says, "Why are you praying?" He says, "Because I just saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, and the bible tells me when I see them the end is at hand."

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

"Father, where is the United States?" Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map of North America.

"Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be?" he questioned his father.

The man pointed towards the Soviet Union.

"And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?"

The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British.

"Where is Germany again, Father?"

He pointed to their home country in Central Europe.

Hans pondered this information for a second. "One last question, Father."

"Yes?"

"Has Hitler seen this map?"