Say jokes

Who says white people can't jump?

Have you seen the 911 footage?

If I had a spray can, I would spray it on your ass. Because the instructions say to spray on flat surfaces.

Me: What did one toilet say to the other?

You: What?

Me: You look flushed!

[god creating alligators]

God: See that log?

Angel: Yes...?

God: Now fill it with teeth.

Angel: Say again?

God: FILL IT WITH TEETH!

Hi, I was a feminist until I realised that:

A. Feminism is just a pile of dumb shit.

B. That men are actually treated unequally.

SO

we should all say sorry to the boys for pissing them off.

What is the world's greatest invention? The ball gag, do you know why? Honestly, officer, I never heard her say no.

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.

What did the salad say to pineapple?

"Lettuce be friends."

I guess you could say Stephen Hawking is a dead meme.

Confucius say, "man who go to sleep with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger."

A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

The man replies, “No.”

The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

How do you say goodbye to a calculus teacher?

Calculator!

What do you say to a guy with Down syndrome who’s on top of a sky scraper? "Jump!"

Say "invented" without the first "n".

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

Comebacks when someone say: Bully: "Your teeth is so yellow that when you start smiling you slow down the traffic." Say: "At least its brighter than your future."

I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I ran five miles today. I ran over 5 miles.

Man walks into a bar and sees a bear serving drinks... Sits down looking astonished. The bear says, "what's the matter you never saw a bear serving drinks?" The man says, "it's not that, I just never thought the moose would sell the place."

What did the girl say to the man with a moustache?

I moustache you a question.

Something you can say at a job interview and during sex:

"I’m here for the new position?"