Say jokes

One man's trash is another man's treasure... Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

Q: The person who makes it doesn't say what it is.

The person who receives it doesn't know what it is.

The person who knows what it is doesn't want it.

What am I?

A: A baby.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've told her twice.

When it's April Fool's Day, go to an orphan and say, "Their parents should come back!"

Miss Drake, can I go to the bathroom? I need to piss.

"Billy, we don't say piss. We say urinate. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Miss Drake."

"Very well. Now use the word urinate in a sentence."

"Miss Drake, urinate, but if you had any tits you'd be a ten."

What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?

"Will there be seconds?"

Two guys in a car get pulled over by a cop. The cop taps the window, and the window rolls down. "Good evening, gentlemen, we're looking for two pedophiles."

The guy quickly closes the window. Ten seconds later, he lowers it again and says, "Ok, we'll do it."

So anyway, this old guy goes to the doctors. The doctor says, "It's bad news, you've got cancer and Alzheimer's." The old guy replies, "At least I've not got cancer!"

A lady walks into a dentist's office, sits on the counter, and spreads her legs. The dentist says, "I think you have the wrong idea." The lady replies, "Last week you gave my husband his false teeth; now you can get them out."

What did one tower say to the other? "Damn, you looking fly!"

An American and a Russian are talking. The American says, "We in America have the best democracy. We can stand in front of the White House and shout with impunity: \"The American President is a moron!\""

"We can do that too," says the Russian, walking with the American to the Kremlin and shouting: "The American President is a moron!"

What did the shoe say to the other shoe?

Nothing, it was tied up in another conversation.

If your blind girlfriend says you have a big cock, she's probably just pulling your leg.

What did the cops say when someone called him racist?

"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."

"Get a life, dum dums!"

Says the fucking moron.

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

What did one tree say to another in a crisis? Don't leaf me when things get bad.

A horse walks into a bar.

The barman says...

"Why the long face?"

My friend in a wheelchair tells a funny joke.

I resist the urge to say that he should become a stand-up comedian.