Say jokes
Two hotdogs are walking across the street. One is walking slow. What does the 2nd one say?
"Ketchup!"
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners.
“Come again!” says the woman behind the desk.
“No, it’s curry this time.”
Conor MacGregor to Poirier: "Your wife is your husband!"
(After the fight, or should I say after the fracture.)
Poirier: Really, bitch?
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” is the reply.
“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay... How old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
“I was behind you at McDonalds’."
What did mama cow say to baby cow? -- "It's pasture bedtime."
People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.
You can say what you want about deaf people...
What did one orphan say to another orphan?
"Get in the Batmobile, Robin!"
What did the orphan say to the other orphan?
"Get into the Batmobile, Robin."
Everyone has a good heart; they just don't know what to do with it. I say give someone some love. Hate is sooooo stupid. Love is soooo smart!
What did mommy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web.
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.
The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
What did the pencil say to the piece of paper? You FLAT.
What did the spoon say to the pancake batter? You THICK.
Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."
They will likely reply: "What's updog?"
To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"
What did one brain cell say to the other brain cell?
"I think I feel a connection!"
What does Michael Jackson say when he grabs his crotch? I never noticed that before.
What did the baseball chief say to the Orphan?
GO HOME!
These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says, "I can't stand my mother-in-law." The other says, "So, just eat the potatoes."
Who used to say, "Who loves orange soda?" Kel loves orange soda. Yes, I do, do, do, doooo! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes, I dooooo! Kel Mitchell from Kenan and Kel.
Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.