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Suicide

    • Today I gave a blind guy a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. Since I have no fingerprints, the police said it was suicide. I guess you can say I took care of him!

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    • Cannibal

    • These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says, "I can't stand my mother-in-law." The other says, "So, just eat the potatoes."

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    • Say memes

    Man

    • A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

    The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

    The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

    The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

    So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

    The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

    The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

    "Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.

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    • Insult

    • Conor MacGregor to Poirier: "Your wife is your husband!"

    (After the fight, or should I say after the fracture.)

    Poirier: Really, bitch?

    Tree

    • What did one tree say to another in a crisis? Don't leaf me when things get bad.

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    • Hotdog

    • Two hotdogs are walking across the street. One is walking slow. What does the 2nd one say?

    "Ketchup!"

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    • Dentist

    • A woman walks into a dentist's office, sits on the counter, and spreads her legs.

    The dentist says, "I think you have the wrong idea with that." The woman replies, "Last week you gave my husband his false teeth; now you can get them out."

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    • Funeral

    • My elderly relatives like to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"..

    They soon stopped though, when I started to do the same to them at funerals.

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    • Pillow

    • What did one pillow say to the other?

    Nothing, meh, they just sang a song about a rogue chicken whose feathers had been sacrificed to make them.

    Drug

    • People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.

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    • Boob

    • Seems very long. You won't remember the telephone number...

    I remember it like this from school days in Ireland.

    Dolly Parton is shopping for a new bra. A lady says, "Your size is 69." Dolly says, "No way, that's too too too (222) big." So she goes to the doctor. "Doc, I need something to make my boobs smaller." "Here, take (51) pills for 6 days (x6)," and so she did. Days later, she ran back to the doc, "Jesus Christ doctor, look what happened. I'm BOOBLESS!" 55378008 upside down.

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