Say jokes
A guy goes in to get some tests done. The doctor comes out and says, "I got good news and bad news." The guy says, "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says, "The tests came back positive. You got two weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin' her."
Q: What did one gay cowboy say to the other gay cowboy?
A: Hayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
You can say he is not your type until you realize your type is not typing.
What does Michael Jackson say when he gets hard? Ow!
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice? Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
This man walks into a bar and says, "How do I get service here?"
The assistant bar attendant tells him to take a seat as the bartender will be there to serve him shortly. After 2 minutes, the man says this is ridiculous, that he has to wait. The assistant then offers him a bar snack of free nuts, which the man duly eats. Another 2 minutes go by, and the man then says, "OK, I get it, no service of beer, but free nuts," to which the assistant says, "Hell no, the game starts in 10 minutes." Everyone laughs and claps.
Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.
The undertaker's famous saying is "Rest In Peace" to all of his opponents, but really they don't rest in peace. The only peace they get is from God.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick.
The bartender asks him why.
And the pirate says:
"Argh, It's driving me nuts."
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Hey, is the bartender here?"
What do you say after making fun of a disabled person?
"Sorry, I didn't mean to step on your toes."
What is the world's greatest invention? The ball gag, do you know why? Honestly, officer, I never heard her say no.
Do you want to play Titanic?
When I say iceberg, you go down on me.
SOOOO my sister said her first bad word yesterday. "Shit." My mum was like, "What did you just say, child?"
Sister: "I said the cat shits inside like the dog shi- uh oh......"
Now I've avoided this stuff by making my own word: Sugarplum. Sugarplum = shit...
My sister made some pie, and it tasted horribly... so I said this.... "This pie is very sugarplum-y." She said, "What do you mean by that?" I said, "It tastes like sugarplums..."
Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn’t all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.
Why do pirates say, "Argh my Hardees?"
Because that's how you tell when they have the hards.
When I was going downstairs, Sum Ting Wong fell, and doctors say Sum Ting Wong happened.
A pirate walked into a pub with a ship wheel attached to his balls. The bartender says, "What the hell is that?"
The pirate said, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
"Breathe... Breathe..."