Say jokes

A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.

Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'

A man goes into a job interview and sits down.

The interviewer is looking over his resume and says, "I see here that there's a 4-year gap on your resume. What were you doing?"

The man says, "Oh, that was when I went to Yale!"

The interviewer is impressed and says, "That's great! You're hired!"

The man smiles. "Really? I'm so glad, because I really need this Yob."

What did the hamster say to the penis? "Ha, you look just like me!"

Question: What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Answer: Dam.

When I say, "Daddy," my stepbrother raises his head.

How does the sea say hello?

It WAVES you.

SEA what I did there?

I'm SHORE you saw it.

Don't be SALTY!

Why’s BBC called BBC?

The dude’s shlong gets bigger every time he says n-

A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."

What did the shark say after he ate the clownfish?

"This taste a little funny."

What do you say to a guy with Down syndrome who’s on top of a sky scraper? "Jump!"

I don't see why people say that emo kids don't like to hang out.

I've seen them hanging all day.

Did you know that whenever I read my blood donor ID?

Because it says "B Positive!"

When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.

How do you help a depressed kid face their fears... You count to 3 and say jump?

A plane is about to crash into the ocean, and the passengers are freaking out.

A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and says, "Before I go, is there a man man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, takes off his shirt, and says, "Here, iron this!"

You’re so fat that when you sit on the toilet, it says, “A B C D E F G, get your butt off of me!”

They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. That's why orphanages exist!

What did one sea say to the other sea? Nothing, it just waved.

"Let it go, LET IT GO!" Blah blah blah whatever the rest of the song says dun dun blah blah blah my mom never bothered me anyway.

I'm bored 😴 so that's why I sang in my wonderful voice for a few seconds and wasted your time.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.