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River

    • Toto is at school and asks if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says no.

    Then, she asks Toto, “Where is the biggest river in the world?”

    “Under my bench,” he replies.

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    • Baby

    • A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

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    • Say memes

    Entrepreneur

    • Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?

    Me: Oh, I wan-

    Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.

    Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.

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    • Man

    • A man with a gun and a sword walks into a bar, sees a girl, and falls in love with her.

    Man: "Hey, you are one beautiful girl. Will you be my girlfriend?"

    Girl: "No, because you have a gun and a sword."

    Man: "But I am already in love with you."

    And then the man leaves to get the girl flowers and candy.

    The girl is glad that he has gone, until thirty minutes later, when he shows up again.

    Man: "Here are some flowers for you, beautiful girl."

    And the girl throws the flowers in his face, and then everyone in the bar laughs, even the bartender.

    Man: "And here is some candy."

    And the girl throws the candy in his face, and everyone in the bar laughs again, and some teenagers walking down the street see it as well, and then they start laughing too.

    One of the teenagers says "Hahaha, that is so funny. Seeing a man give a girl candy, and the girl throwing it in his face to show him that she hates him."

    Girl: "I hate you, ugly man!"

    Man: "Bartender, can I get some candy for my girl?"

    The bartender laughs when he hears that, and then he says "Are you crazy? We don't serve-"

    And then the man shoots the bartender with his gun and stabs him with his sword. An old man walking down the street can't believe what he just saw, so he calls the police to arrest the man who killed the bartender.

    999 Service Guy: "999, what's your emergency?"

    Old man: "I just walked past a bar, and I saw a man shoot and stab the bartender. Can you please get the police to arrest him? Tell them he is the man with a gun and a sword in his bag."

    999 Service Guy: "Okay, no worries."

    1 Hour later, the first man tries to dance the tango with the girl, and the girl kicks him in the leg, and then he tries to kiss her, and she punches him in the face.

    Guy sitting at a table in the bar: "That man is crazy. Trying to kiss a girl who hates him."

    And the police show up.

    First Policeman: "Which man has a gun and a sword in his bag?"

    The girl points to the man and says "This man."

    Second Policeman: "Let's arrest him."

    Man: "No, wait! I can explain."

    Third Policeman: "Get in the back of the car."

    When the police get to the Police Station with the man, the first policeman says "You will stay in prison for 10 years."

    One week later, the man breaks the bars and escapes prison.

    The police see him and run after him.

    Third Policeman: "Come back here!"

    The man doesn't listen, and he keeps running, so the police shoot him and he dies.

    And instead of saying rest in peace on his gravestone, it says rest in pieces.

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    • Sex

    • Linda and Peter are having sex. Peter goes in and out hard then fast and then begins to taste her tits. Finally, he moves down to the vagina and eats her hard. His rouge is inside her body, lolling around. He fucks her hard again and his dick slicks up her vagina. The entire time she is moaning and begging for more.

    When Linda cums on his penis she begins to lick his balls hard. Peter begins moaning too saying, "Linda, you're just as amazing at fucking as your sister."

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    • Suicide

    • A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."

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    • Table

    • A fat girl was dancing on the table, and I said, "Nice legs." She says, "You really think so?" And I say, "Yes, definitely, most tables would have been broken by now."

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    • Bar

    • Three Vulcans walk into a bar.

    The bartender asks the first Vulcan, "Y'all want a drink?" The first Vulcan says, "I don't know."

    The bartender asks the second Vulcan, "Y'all want a drink?" The second Vulcan says, "I don't know."

    The bartender asks Spock, "Y'all want a drink?" Spock says, "Yes."

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    • Astronaut

    • Astronaut In The Ocean-By- Masked Wolf and watersharky Music Productions-

    Astro-naut

    What you know about rollin' down in the deep?

    When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze

    When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah

    I feel like an astronaut in the ocean, ayy

    What you know about rollin' down in the deep?

    When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze

    When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah

    I feel like an astronaut in the ocean

    She say that I'm cool (damn straight)

    I'm like "yeah, that's true" (that's true)

    I believe in G-O-D (ayy)

    Don't believe in T-H-O-T

    She keep playing me dumb (play me)

    I'ma play her for fun (uh-huh)

    Y'all don't really know my mental

    Lemme give you the picture like stencil

    Falling out, in a drought

    No flow, rain wasn't pouring down (pouring down)

    See, that pain was all around

    See, my mode was kinda lounged

    Didn't know which-which way to turn

    Flow was cool but I still felt burnt

    Energy up, you can feel my surge

    I'ma kill everything like this purge (ayy)

    Let's just get this straight for a second, I'ma work

    Even if I don't get paid for progression, I'ma get it (get it)

    Everything that I do is electric

    I'ma keep it in a motion, keep it moving like kinetic, ayy (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

    Put this shit in a frame, better know I don't blame

    Everything that I say, man I seen you deflate

    Let me elevate, this ain't a prank

    Have you walkin' on a plank, la-la-la-la-la, like

    Both hands together, God, let me pray (now let me pray)

    Uh, I've been going right, right around, call that relay (Masked Wolf)

    Pass the baton, back and I'm on

    Swimming in the pool, Kendrick Lamar, uh

    Want a piece of this, a piece of mine, my peace a sign

    Can you please read between the lines?

    My rhyme's inclined to break your spine

    They say that I'm so fine

    You could never match my grind

    Please do not, not waste my time

    What you know about rollin' down in the deep?

    When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze

    When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah

    I feel like an astronaut in the ocean, ayy

    What you know about rollin' down in the deep?

    When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze

    When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah

    I feel like an astronaut in the ocean.

    Insult

    • Girl: You are gay.

    Boy: Who says I’m gay?

    Girl: You ARE GAY!

    Boy: You are lesbian.

    Crowd: OhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbhbhhhbhH

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