A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The man orders a beer, one for him and one for the giraffe.
After they finish their drinks, the giraffe falls over, and the man gets his stuff and heads for the door.
The bartender says, "Stop! You can't leave that thing lying on the floor!"
The man says, "Mate, that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.
What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley Davidson motorcycle?
I’m bone to be wild!
What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone-appetit!
What did the guy with two hands say to the guy with one hand?
"Hi-five!"
What did the rapist say to his victim?
"Go ahead, call the police. We will see who comes first."
Confucius say, "man who go to sleep with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger."
They say watching child porn will get me 20 years in jail. I prefer to think of it as two 10-year-olds.
What did the deaf man say to the blind man before he fell into the well?
Nothing.
Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"
Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, "Isn't it dark down here?" She replies, "I don't know. I can't see."
What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."
What did the pedophile say when he got out of prison?
I feel like a kid again.
Say what you want against pedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.
A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.
The little boy says, "I'm scared."
The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
God said, "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "You have to say please first."
What did the cow say when it saw the farmer twice in one day?
"Deja moo!"
What did the neutrino say to the planet?
"Just passing through."
