What did Schrödinger say to Shakespeare?
"To be and not to be."
If a midget with down syndrome shows up late for work, is it okay to say she's a little tardy?
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"
A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth-theist.
My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.
Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?
Because the sign says "No Tres passing."
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? -- "Mumbai!"
What did the 0 say to the 8?
"Nice belt."
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
An atom loses an electron... It says, "Man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
