Saw jokes

*True story*

I saw this guy with a very bad hairline who was painting himself blue and it said "Smurf Paint," but I shouted, "Megamind!"

My four conditions:

1. I need coffee.

2. I need vacation.

3. I need food.

4. I need tape, axe, saw, bag, shovel, and an alibi.

Just saw the news that Kobe passed. I guess there's a first for everything.

Yo momma is so stupid, she saw an anime and started eating a live rabbit, and thought she would get powers!

Yesterday I saw an orphan kid playing GTA and told him he can't get 5 stars because he ain't wanted.

I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back until I realized it is a family business.

I thought I saw a cool sticker on my office window, then I realized it was getting bigger and bigger.

I saw a depressed kid and I gave him a lamp to lighten up his day.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him $1.

I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

I saw two blind men fighting at the mall. I yelled, "He has a gun!" They both ran.

Yo mama is so ugly that when Santa came to the house and saw a picture of her, he died.

One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.

Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.

Why did the Titanic sink? Because it saw an iceberg selling candy.

I was walking and I saw a girl crying, and she told me to take her dollhouse and I asked why. She said because I don't have one.

I saw a little boy playing alone in the street. I told him that was a bad idea, then asked for his parents.

God, orphanages are fun to work at!!

So I told an orphan to slap themselves until they are wanted. I came back the next day to see them slapping themselves. Then I stopped them and told them to punch themselves.

The next day I saw a dead orphan.

How did the pornstar cut herself while using a drill?

She was too used to grabbing the tip.

My Dad was mowing the grass today. I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.

So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"