Saw jokes

My Dad was mowing the grass today. I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.

How did the pornstar cut herself while using a drill?

She was too used to grabbing the tip.

Me: I saw your parents yesterday.

Orphan girl: Where?

Me: The coffin was still open.

What did Adam say when he saw Eve?

Answer: "Woman!"

Roses are red, violets are blue, when The Oh Hellos saw you they said "Shoo!"

So I saw a bag full of children near a dumpster. I guess we know where the orphans are when the parents didn’t want them.

Wouldn’t want to hope a Catholic priest comes along, otherwise the priest will have new sex toys.

When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.

There was a boy who owned a dog, who was walking while wearing headphones.

Upon entering a park, he saw a sign that read, "DOGS MUST HAVE LEAD". He continued into the park, and became immersed in the music.

After leaving the park 20 minutes later and turning around for the first time in a while to remove the lead, the sight of his now-dead, freshly-poisoned dog reminded him of the importance of heteronyms.

What did the 1.8 nanosecond old baby get for his birthday?

Nailed to a puppy falling on a buzz saw being crushed in a hydraulic press while being set on fire.

If I saw a homosexual or transsexual man do so much as TOUCH my child, he would be dead, zombified, and castrated by the end of the day.

Protect your young'uns from these degenerate freaks and live off the grid so they have no bearing on your life.

I saw a kid crying and I asked him, "Where are his parents?"

God, I love working at orphanages!

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.

The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: The Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.

The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native American kills him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"

The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

I was driving through a neighborhood when I saw a sign that said "Autistic Child Zone." Then I thought to myself, "Oh shit, that wasn't a dog!"

Why did Michael Jackson go to the movies? He saw there was minor nudity.

Roses are red, violets are blue, when I saw you I thought of the zoo and monkeys too!

I will never forget my Grandpa's last words: "What are you doing with that rope and saw?"

There once were 3 men on an airplane and one bit into an apple and said, "This is disgusting!" and threw it out the window. The 2nd man bit into a banana and said, "This is rotten!" and he threw it out the window. The 3rd man bit into a bomb and screamed, "ALL MY TEETH FELL OUT!" and he threw it out the window.

Meanwhile, on the ground, a police officer was walking and he saw a kid crying and he went up to him and asked him why he was crying. He replied, "An apple came flying out of the sky and hit me on the head!" The police officer said, "That is weird," and kept on walking. Then he saw another kid crying and the police officer asked, "Why are you crying?" and he answered, "A banana came flying out of the sky and hit me on the head!" The officer said, "This has been a strange day." Then he sees a kid laughing and he asked why he was laughing and he said, while he was laughing, "My dad farted and the house blew up!"

What did Joe say when he saw his girlfriend sleeping with his sister?

Nothing, he just started wanking.

I recently saw a pun contest in NYC. The owners said there was a maximum of 10 puns that I could submit. I wrote 10 puns and submitted all of them in hopes that at least one would win--however, no pun in ten did.

John saw a Gay in a wheelchair.

"I didn't know a man could be a fruit and a Vegetable!"