Said jokes

Your Mom is so friking fat, that when she ripped her pants and went to the seamster, they said, "We don't sew curtains!"

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.

She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”

When I died, my friend said he'd cover me.

I was cussing out this kid for stealing, and their mom walked in and said, "Hey, language!" I just said, "English, bitch!"

Listen, if my mom sees me on Roblox at 3 a.m., she said she would bang my head against the keyboardndfndfnnckvnksdvknkdsfnvbfw.

What did the pen say to the pencil?

The pen said, "You're pointy."

Your mama's so ugly, when she looked in the mirror, it said, "Viewer discretion advised!"

Last night I had sex and she said, "Stop talking about s***, OMG!" and I made her scream so loud she said, "Her balls hurt!"

I accidentally said, "Go cry to your mom," to an orphan. 😭

An orphan asked his caretaker where his parents are, and the caretaker said, "A place called home."

An African man was walking in New York when he saw a sign that said, "Watch out for children."

He started laughing hysterically, then a white man asked him, "Why are you laughing?"

He said, "In Africa, they would never put up a sign like that."

Random person: We are taking away your freedoms to keep you safe.

Hitla: That's exactly what I said.

There were ten in the bed and the little one said... "Roll over..."

My mom said that being straight is good, but if you're straight, how do you walk? So I decided to be gay.

My mom said, "Hey, come over here."

I responded, "Too late, Mom!"

A kid decided to burn his house down.

His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."

Yo mamma so poor that when we went on a date, she took off her shoe laces and said "spaghetti."

What happens to Stephen Hawking when he logs in to his account on Google when it says, "I am not a robot?"

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said, "Never mind."

I saw your license. It said you're 15.

I checked your face. It says you're 50.