Said jokes

I was swimming in a pool on my vacation when a fan of mine approached me. He said he wanted an autograph and gave me a pen to sign it. I accidentally dropped the pen in the pool. Suddenly, Penaldo came out of NOWHERE and dove to save it. He said he always dives for pens.

TommyInnit said, "Long live the Queen." Look at where she's at now.

My mom said you failed school. I said, "Don't be surprised, I'm a retard, Mom."

My friend said, "Where is the trash?" I said, "Look in the mirror, there is the trash."

I saw a little girl crying, and I said, "Where are your parents?" That day, I got fired from the orphanage. 🤪

I arrived at basketball and I asked little Jimmy if he brought the basketballs, and he said, "Nope, but I got two right here!"

Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.

Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. 💀

Yesterday on the school bus my friend in front of me said she was 41% Irish and 15% Mexican.

Then my friend sitting next to me said, “Wow, almost half leprechaun!”

Then I said, “Yeah, and 15 percent wall climber!”

My older sister said she was gonna shoot herself, so I did it for her.

Smash or pass?

"Smash," said the iceberg.

TItanic:...

Hey, my sister said you're Mattick, so I decided to swim with her and she threw a ball at me, so I went to my dad and she said, "Why did you tell dad?" She was crying because I’m not getting a car seat.

An orphan once said, "I will call my mum and go home."

A homeless kid once said he will go home.

How did the emo kid compliment the other emo kid? He said, "I like your cuts G."

Dentist said I grind in my sleep... he a real one for that.

My friend is an emo. I asked why he wears black. He said, "Black like my soul." I just walked away.

My friend asks me what does "idk" mean. I said, "I dion't know." My friend says, "You mean I don't know." I said, "That's what I said!"

My son came up to me and said, "Mom, where are your parents?"

I stared in confusion. I said, "In a far place."

He asked, "In an orphanage?"

My girlfriend said onions were the only foods that make you cry.

Until I threw a watermelon in her face.

"Daddy, what are those two things on mum’s chest?" asked Tom. "Those are just... balloons," said dad.

(Later)

"Dad! I think mum’s dying!" said Tom. "Why?" asked dad. "Because uncles are blowing her balloons, and she said, ‘Oh god, I'm cumming!’"

The judge asked Bill Cosby for his defense. He used feminist talking points and said "My body, my choice" and "It's my right to privacy." The judge, being impartial, let Cosby go.