How does Stephen Hawking get clean?
He uses Tesco car wash.
People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.
When was the first Black Friday?
1619.
So I went to the binoculars shop the other day. Tell you what, they saw me coming.
I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.
If Stephen Hawking is dying, where do I take him, Currys PC World, or a hospital?
Imagine if you were an Arabic person shopping at Walmart with your son.
Now imagine he got lost and you had to start calling out his name.
...Now imagine his name is "Allahu Akbar."
Robber: This is a robbery, bitch!
Gunsalesman: No u
I have a friend that sells backpacks for a living. You can draw on them using markers of different color variants.
He one day said his business was "remarkable."
I went to the shops yesterday. I bought roast chicken, eggs, and duck. The cashier read $45.99. It was an egg-cellent price!
Yo mama's so stupid she got locked in Mattress World and slept on the floor.
What do Catholic priests and JCPenny's have in common?
Little boys' pants half off.
Why should you never fart in an Apple store?
Because they have no Windows!
Where does Stephen Hawking get his computer fixed?
At PC World.
I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and everything was half off. I didn't know back to school sales had started already.
I go to the shop and buy 2 pints of kimo.
Cashier: "Will you want the milk in a bag today, sir?"
Customer: "I’ll just keep it in the carton if you don’t mind."
What's a pirate's favorite shop?
Arrrrrrrrgos.
Where do leg amputees go to buy a car?
IHOP
What do you call an angry shopper?
A cuss-tomer.
