Religion jokes
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Heaven.
Heaven who?
Heaven fun over there?
Of course Jesus wasn't a virgin! He obviously liked being nailed!
Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"
What do fat demons hate? Exorcise.
How do you boil holy water?... You boil the hell out of it!
How do you confuse a ginger?
Throw a cross at them.
What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both put their meat in 10 year old buns.
Yo mama is so ugly, she makes the devil read the Bible.
Muslims commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins... I just go to the local primary school.
Muslims love to exaggerate, that's why they always blow things up.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
A painting only takes one nail to be hanged.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Why does Jesus never vacation on Earth?
Because he traveled down about 2,000 years ago, got with some Jewish chick, and they're still talking about it!
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin mobile.
I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."
I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"
A priest, a rapist, a pedophile, and a homosexual walk into a bar.
He orders a drink.
What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats? -- A pimp.