Religion jokes
If Tim goes to heaven and Tom goes to hell, where does Tam go?
Up your ass.
When a military person dies, we shoot all night. When a drunkard dies, we drink all night. When a Christian dies, we pray all night. What if a prostitute dies? What should we do? Please tell me.
You would think catholic churches would be in favor of condoms: less DNA evidence.
My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.
God- make a grumpy old man president.
Angel- why?
G- cause I said so-name him Trump.
A- okay.
G- make him not pay taxes.
A- okay...
Fast forward to 2020
G- you know that grumpy old man?
A- yea...
G- make him create a deadly virus named after a beer.
A- Krona.
G- exactly.
A- why do you hate humans so much?
G- because I can.
God: Why is the teenager so short?
Angel: I don't know.
God: I said, "Strong as a bear!"
Angel: No, you said, "Ass hair."
God: No, I didn't!
If you believe in Allah, you will go straight to heaven, Mashallah! 😍
You ever hear of a reverse exorcism?
It's where the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.
You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?
I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.
Do you know why Jesus is so popular with the ladies??
Haven't you ever seen pictures of the guy? He was hung like this... 🤚--------🤪----------✋
Why does Jesus hate Skittles?
Because they fall through his hands.
Three guys are walking in a bar. A priest, a paedophile, and a rapist. That was just the first guy.
What games do monks play a lot?
Among Us.
What happens when an angel and nun "have some fun and forget pills"?
The nun gets pregNUNt.
What is an angel's favorite kind of tortilla chip dip?
GuacaHOLY!
When you want to commit suicide, just say "Allahu Akbar," there will definitely be a blast.
Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" And the teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down.
Then, the teacher asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" And the teacher says, "Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around.
And then, the teacher asks the class, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.
What do you call an Islamic LGBT member? A Gaylism.
Why do nuns walk in groups?
So one “nun” can keep an eye on the other “nun” just to make sure that she isn’t getting "nun".
What do you get when you cross an atheist an insomniac?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.