How do you get a nun pregnant?
You dress her up as an altar boy.
Religion Jokes
Jesus was a carpenter who got nailed to a piece of wood.
One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.
When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.
Serves him right.
Suzy: How did Jonah fit in the whale?
Teacher: Whales are very big but have small mouths, so Jonah did not actually fit in the whale.
Suzy: Well, the Bible says he did.
Teacher: He did not.
Suzy: When I get to heaven I will ask him how he fit in.
Teacher: How do you know he went to heaven? Maybe he went to hell.
Suzy: Then you can ask him.
If sex before marriage is a sin, is sex after marriage cos or tan?
Why do orphans go to church so they can call someone "father?"
Why do orphans go to church?
They go there to finally call someone "father."
Why did you always see Michael Jackson wearing two white gloves?
Because masturbation is against Michael Jackson's religious beliefs.
Why does the Catholic Church have a glory hole inside the confessional booth?
So a priest can give an anonymous blowjob to another bisexual man, or a gay man, or a heterosexual man that has a big dick after the priest hears their confession.
Why do nuns go around in pairs?
So one nun makes sure the other nun doesn't get none!
What's the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne waits until a boy is 13 before it comes onto his face.
If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.
Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.
One day I was at church. I had to sit down. I said, "Who in the world stinks?" I looked down. Turns out it was me, and this is not a joke, but funny.
What did the airplane say to the tower? Allahu Akbar!
Does anyone know where I can get that picture that went around the internet of Steven Hawking looking at the stairway to Heaven and saying “Oh Fu-k”?
Why did the orphans go to the church?
Because they need someone to call "father."
Why do Roman Catholics always call their minister father?
because Roman Catholic men between 18-29 years old received a free anonymous blowjob inside the confessional booth at the glory hole.
What to gift a child molester who already has everything? A bigger county with more believers.
Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
The bird was trying to cross the road because there was a church, but instead, the birds chirp chirp chirp, "Let's go to church!"
