A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
I look at my gf’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can
Like it’s my next meal
How did the Emo ask the other Emo out?
"Wanna hang together?"
my husband is mad that i have no sense of direction. so i packed up my stuff and right.
random Couple after their first night : Husband: it was very tasty.🥵 wife: aww thanks. Hus: does anyone had taste it before? wife:☠️
The longer the relationship, the longer the breakup will hurt you💔. Better Break up now ooo.🤣
Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day. Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first. Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am. Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet. Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you. Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you. Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down. Most restaurants are closed at night.. but your legs aren’t. I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out. Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight. Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall. I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately... but I hope it’s you. Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream. Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you. Do you sing in the shower? Because if so I need a private ticket of your concert. Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between. Are you a blanket? Because your on top of me every night. Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7. Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream. I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not. Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down. Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up. Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.
A couple is on their first date. Man: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently. Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
Grandma: most people your age, have a family and are married. Why aren’t you?
Grandchild: most your age are dead. Why aren’t you?
Me and my girlfreind were walking in the woods, HER: I am Scared ME: What do you think I feel I have to walk back alone
My girl freind called me a cock sucker but HEY 20 dollars is 20 dollars
Let's play twin towers, your thighs are the towers and my penis is the plane, coming in between
How is $ex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
I asked my now ex boyfriend why he’s scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.
I told him that my cat doesn’t scratch, but he didn’t believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.
(Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat so yeah 😂)
Why do women always have sex with the lights off?
Because they never like to see a man having a good time.
A wife says to her husband 'you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back' 'what do you expect' he says 'you're in a fucking wheelchair'
