My wife slept with another man and got pregnant. She told me 9 weeks later. I said it's ok and told her let's talk downstairs, so I pushed her down the stairs.
Relationship Jokes
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back!
Boomerangs come back, but your dad never did.
Chat date for Kenya and Jaden!
Your nan's gay.
Why do I have a fat mom?
What does the dead man say to the other? He says, "Your daughter is pretty."
The other man says, "How do you know?"
The other man says, "Because she is dead."
Best friend: Let’s get tattoos of our parents.
Orphan: I don’t have parents.
He said he didn't want to be my brother anymore.
He's now my sister.
I bought my friend a rope for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book ever.
I told my therapist you are too fat and ugly to date grown men. Then she asked me, "You wanna give a judgemental reaction about that?" I said, "Okay, you smell rat pee on somebody's cock."
My sister said I'm stupid and I'm a baby, and I said, "Oh, I didn't know we were talking about you."
Why was the kid sad?
He was adopted.
Wife: I think these pants are getting too small for me!
Husband: Don't worry, maybe you are just bad at laundry.
What is the difference between the human rights act and a dad?
If I adopt a child, is it mine?
🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯😳
What's the difference between you and your mom?
I slept with your mom.
I approached her in the checkout line and said, "Yo baby wassup?"
She invited me in the house, and we started makin' out again.
Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?
12 year old me: Yeah!
Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?
Me: What?
