Relationship jokes
One day my ex-best friend lied about his computer dying when he left the call and watched YouTube.
I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?
What commitment does a pimp make to each new hoe he turns out?
Answer: He will always be there for her after the break-in period.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his ass.
Why did the skeleton want a friend? Because he was feeling bonely.
Your momma's so nasty, she sucked your daddy's dick and kissed you good night!
Why can’t orphans have sex?
They have no one to call “daddy.”
Two friends wanting to find out if their buddy was gay.
The two walked up to their buddy and said, "Get down!" and he kneeled down.
First Date: HE: "I work with animals every day!" SHE: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" HE: "I’m a butcher." SHE: "Perfect! I work with humans, I just kill them by cutting them up!"
HE: "So it's you in the newspaper?" SHE: "Yes, it was, wanna be next?" HE: "No!"
First Date: HE: "I work with animals every day!"
SHE: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?"
HE: "I'm a butcher."
SHE: "We're through!"
Why can't orphans have friends?
They will stay together.
Why is parking a car like finding a girlfriend?
All the good ones are taken, so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.
If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...
...is that a romantic jester?
Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant all her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats,” but none of them touch the man’s penis and say “well done?”
Repost
What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.
You must have a good power supply, because you're easy to turn on!
Why doesn't Barbie ever get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box!
When your parents say, "We are sorry that you are here," what do you think of that?
I think that you're an accident!
I used to have a girlfriend who would argue with me a lot for no reason. I look at her feet and say to her, "Here is £15, give yourself a foot pedicure, then come back to me. It clearly shows you have man feet. You are a woman; you should have woman feet. No wonder you boss me around too much as if you're the man of the house."
So, this woman woke up since she had a bad dream and was yelling about her bad dream. Then, in the bed, her husband woke up and said, "Hey! You just woke me up in a sweet dream!" She said, "Oh, sorry babe." Then she asked him what his dream was about, and he responded like, "I was with a woman; me and her was in the middle of dreamy sex; you just ruined it!" She said, "AAAAh!" He asked her what her dream was about, then she replied as, "I was trying to suck a man's penis, and a cock trying to get cummiee out of it!"