Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.
When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her.
I just encountered a father and son moment over some milk.
The dad finally came back with the milk!
Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.
I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."
Q: What do a prostitute and a vacuum have in common?
A: If they stop sucking, you can smack them until they start again.
When's the only time a rapeboat is quiet? When he got his uncle's cock in his mouth.
Who needs dating apps when you have family reunions?
Slade must be WiFi... because I’m not feeling a CONNECTION.
Wanna play dolls?
I can be Ken, and you can be the box I come in.
I’m really good at algebra. I can replace your X without even asking Y.
I read the chapter of numbers, but nowhere did I ever see your number.
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
What’s worse than finger banging your sister?
Finding your dad’s wedding ring.
Rapboat has to drug his own drink to get laid.
What did the autistic kid say to his girlfriend after they broke up?
"I thought what we had was special!"
What’s something you can say in bed and in a Zoom meeting?
"Do you want the cameras on or off?"
A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"
She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."
Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"
You like kissing boys, don't you?
"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah." "Does it hurt?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”
That's the best I've done so far.
