What did the cupcake tell its frosting?
I’d be muffin without you.
Why can't an orphan be gay?
They don't have anyone to call "daddy."
My wife said she would slam my head into my keyboard if I did not get off video games.
But don't worry I think she was just joking.
Your momma! OHHHHH!
Daddy, harder!
I'm sorry, but your dad left for milk.
Are you adopted?
No.
I mean, who would want you?
When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.
She left, and now I support women's rights. I will kill her.
Your mother.
Sister: You're adopted.
Me: At least they wanted me, they must feel terribly bad cuz they had to keep you :(
Guy: Are you tired?
His “Crush”: No.
Guy: Are you sure, because you’ve been running through my mind all day?
His “Crush”: That’s sweet.
Guy: I’m joking, you don’t look like you do any running.
A guy says to his dog, "Where are you?" The dog was actually dead, bro.
Your mom and dad are never coming back because dad is cumming for another kid.
Man: Can you be my girlfriend?
Woman: I'm lesbian, sorry.
Man: Oh, here's your rope.
I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!
Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!
Global warming will kill every single person on this planet.
It's a good thing I'm married.
"I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years."
"Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!"
"No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him."
My mom said, "Hey, come over here."
I responded, "Too late, Mom!"
You know the phrase "one man's trash is another man's treasure"?
Great phrase, bad way to find out you're adopted!
