Puns
What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest.
A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"
The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"
Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"
I like plants, but then I decided to turn over a new leaf and branch out.
I was going to make a joke about a piece of paper.
It's just too tear-able.
See, I was always told puns are funny.
But I can see now they aren't punny.
I went into a dark basement with a flashlight, but then it died, but I was not scared. I was actually delighted.
What is a wasp called?
A wannabe.
What do you call an avocado that got shot? Glockamole.
Q: Why did the family want to move out while the neighbors were playing tennis?
A: Because they were a racquet!
I didn’t know what a class clown was till I went to a class and realized I was a class clown in kindergarten, and then I woke up from a nightmare.
A blind man walked into a bar, and a table, and a chair.
I've always wanted to WAVE to a dolphin, but it could never SEA me.
That dolphin is so WASHED up. WATER you say we get revenge?
A boy is sitting in a dentist chair getting braces, and a dentist comes in and says, "Brace yourself!"
What do you call a black hole?
Butt hole.
My hips can't move, but Heineken.
I made a bet with my friend that I couldn’t create a working car with spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta! 😂
My friend and I joined a french fry eating contest, but I just couldn't ketchup. So we switched to cheeseburgers, but I still couldn't mustard up the speed to lettuce win. I mayo not have thought this through.
So we switched to fruits, but when it got to the watermelons, I started to feel a little green. My friend couldn't seed the point of us continuing anymore. I just couldn't digest the stress, I guess! :D
I was born on the moon.
Yeah, my mom was high, and my dad was down to earth.
Why did Bob go to the store? To bob for apples.
Josh Hemus - follow him on Instagram @joshhemus