Puns

Where do mathematicians go to die?

The symmetry.

What did the pedophile say when he got out of prison?

I feel like a kid again.

Someone asked me where to find de wae?

I replied with: Oh, de wea, that's a shop. It's down the road.

When does it rain money?

When there's a change in the weather.

I wondered why the pitcher hadn’t pitched the ball yet.

Then it hit me.

Did you hear the rumors about butter?

Never mind—you shouldn't spread them.

"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me!"

Have you heard about the animal that was made of a human hand?

It's an ARMadillo.

When a person asked to see her balance at a bank, they pushed him over.

Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

Which legendary Dutch wanderer slept for twenty years, except when he got up to pee?

Rip Van Tinkle.

I'd tell a science joke, but I was like, "Nah, it would get no reaction."

A pun enters the room and kills ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

I lick cows for my mother.

Have you heard about my new can crushing job?

It's soda-pressing.

Where did the cow go on his first date? To the moovies.

What did the butcher say to the pig?

Nice to meat you.

I once was sitting outside and watched the birds go by. I checked my watch and said, "My, how time is FLYING by!"

What do you call a tall, affluent person? A big success.

How do clarinet players play a song?

They reed their music.