Pull jokes

My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

Your hairline was playing Sorry!

Pulled the wrong card and moved back five spaces.

Your mamma is so fat that she has a gravitational pull.

Yo momma so fat, when she pulled out the chair, it screamed and broke itself.

Your mother is responsible for all the train drivers that are never ever late. She taught them all to pull out on time.

So put your best face on everybody, pretend you know this song everybody.

*pulls out noose* "COME HANG!"

*pulls out gun* Let's go out with a bang... Bang- *gunshot*

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

You're so fat, you have your own gravitational pull.

I wore a purple outfit to school, and some Indian kid called me Thanos, so I called him Vision and tried pulling the red dot off his head.

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.

How did you get into the tampon 100?

Pull some strings!

Your hairline [is] so bad, we needed to pull it from another universe.

What's the difference between me and an old man? No one pulled my life support.

So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”

What do you do if a woman is choking? Pull out a few inches.

A police officer pulls a man over. "Hands in the air!"

The man said, "Okay."

What do you call a reverse exorcism?

It's where a demon pulls a priest out of a child.

Yo forehead so large, it has its own gravitational pull.

What does a deaf person and an orphan have in common? They both can’t hear their parents.

Why can’t an orphan go to Family Dollar? They don’t have a family.

Don’t mess with an emo because if their friends pull up, you gotta fight the suicide squad.