Prettiness jokes

Me: Hey, wanna know my spirit animal?

Friend: Sure.

Me: Roadkill, because I can see my mom pretty clearly now.

Friend: Wait, aren't you dead?

Me: Aren't you my son?

Friend: So that's what Mom was trying to hide from me.

I heard a joke about heavy metal earlier. It was pretty ironic.

A wife asks her husband: Am I pretty or ugly?

The husband answers her: Pretty.

The wife responds: Thank yo-

The husband interrupts her: Pretty ugly!

I guess this is pretty plane.

I am sorry I am just winging it.

Wow, I guess these jokes haven't taken off.

Wow, I just landed that one!

One night I was sitting on my bed in my room, minding my own business. It was pretty late, around 10 PM. The glow of my laptop screen was the only light in the room. I heard a noise coming from behind me. It sounded like the door was opening, but there was no one else in the house.

I turned around and found Mr. Incredible standing in my doorway, a stern look on his face. He walked over to me, slowly and dramatically. Then he leaned over and pointed his finger at my face, only about two inches away now. I was frozen with my back against the wall. Then, Mr. Incredible said something I would never forget: "Stop pirating video games."

Ever since that day, I have never gone on a pirating website and have paid legally for my video games. True story.

Stop complaining. Pedophile jokes are pretty funny, but to say there are over 100 of them only to have repeats of the same joke told by different people is very disappointing.

This rat did the most amazing thing ever; it was pretty radical, dude.

I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.

My friend gave me sugar for my birthday. She thought it was cheap; I thought it was pretty sweet.

"Wanna hear a joke?"

"Sure."

"You SURE will be glad when this dad joke's over."

"That was pretty DAD!"

Here’s my pun.

Yup literally nothing... jeez this was pretty plain.

The irony of metal jokes is pretty fun. But it leads to a lot of people stealing them.

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"

Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"

Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."

Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".

He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"

Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."

Did you hear about the light bulb party? Yeah, it was pretty lit!

So this guy thought he was funny by pissing on the floor and not in the urinal.

Later on, I guess some kid ran into the bathroom because, well, he probably had to go, but yeah, he slipped and fell and hit his head on the urinal, so all in all it was a pretty good prank on his part.

I heard a pretty juicy rumor about butter, but I decided I didn't want to spread it.

I saw a bicycler flip over a gutter. It was pretty grate.

One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."

Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it... at least Jesus didn't get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.

What do you call a squirrel with wings? A flying squirrel, it's pretty self-explanatory.