New Pound Jokes

What is the difference between a dog pound and an orphanage? In a dog pound, people actually want them.

A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day. Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first. Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am. Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet. Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you. Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you. Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down. Most restaurants are closed at night.. but your legs aren’t. I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out. Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight. Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall. I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately... but I hope it’s you. Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream. Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you. Do you sing in the shower? Because if so I need a private ticket of your concert. Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between. Are you a blanket? Because your on top of me every night. Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7. Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream. I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not. Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down. Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up. Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.

A Scotsman at the hairdresser: "How much is a haircut?" "Six pounds." "And shaving?" "Three pounds." "Good, then shave my head."

How much do 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh? Won Ton.

Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

Yo mama so hairy that she got a haircut and lost 47 pounds.

What does a pedophile mostly pound on a piano?

A minor.

When your mum sold you on eBay of £2 pound for girls stripper

Yo mama was so fat that when she stepped on the scale the scale said: You gained another pound, nice going fatso, a few more ounces and you can qualify for your own zip code.

Sally had 9 pounds of boobs (9) which was 2 2 many (922) so on the 9th of the month (9229) at 6pm (92296) on 68 street (922968) she went to doctor x to get 6 operations (922968x6) and left her (flip your calculator) boobless

Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.

How do you help a rape victim on a diet lose 7 pounds? Kill her afterwards

My girlfriend is soo fat that when she runs or walk she falls so I am breaking up with u

🙍🏼‍♀️Fat girlfriend: nooo don’t leave me catch me ahhh

🙇🏼‍♀️Fat girlfriend falls on boyfriend:ahhhhhh *dump*

🙇🏼‍♀️🙇🏼Fat girlfriend and boyfriend:fat girlfriend:u didn’t catch me wawawawa:boyfriend: get off me 900 pounds ugh I hate u

Story done pls like

Bro if I die I want to die blown up by 34 pounds of c4 at a furry convention

yo mama is so fat that she got on the scale and it says lose some pounds before u get on the scale or it will break

What weighs 70 pounds and doesn't like sex?

The 6 year old in the trunk of my car.

If I had a genie grant me wishes, I wouldn't wish for a million pounds. I'd just wish that every time I buy something I just have the right amount of money in my pocket at the time