New Pound Jokes

What is the difference between a dog pound and an orphanage?

In a dog pound, people actually want them.

A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole, it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day.

Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first.

Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am.

Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet.

Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you.

Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you.

Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down.

Most restaurants are closed at night, but your legs aren’t.

I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out.

Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight.

Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall.

I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I hope it’s you.

Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream.

Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you.

Do you sing in the shower? Because if so, I need a private ticket of your concert.

Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between.

Are you a blanket? Because you’re on top of me every night.

Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7.

Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream.

I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not.

Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down.

Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up.

Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.

A Scotsman at the hairdresser: "How much is a haircut?"

"Six pounds."

"And shaving?"

"Three pounds."

"Good, then shave my head."

How much do 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh? Won Ton.

Yo mama is so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

Yo mama so hairy that she got a haircut and lost 47 pounds.

What does a pedophile mostly pound on a piano?

A minor.

When your mum sold you on eBay for £2 pound for girls stripper.

Yo mama was so fat that when she stepped on the scale the scale said: "You gained another pound, nice going fatso, a few more ounces and you can qualify for your own zip code!"

Sally had 9 pounds of boobs (9) which was 2 2 many (922) so on the 9th of the month (9229) at 6pm (92296) on 68 street (922968) she went to doctor x to get 6 operations (922968x6) and left her (flip your calculator) boobless

Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.

How do you help a rape victim on a diet lose 7 pounds?

Kill her afterwards.

My girlfriend is so fat that when she runs or walks, she falls, so I am breaking up with you.

🙍🏼‍♀️Fat girlfriend: Nooo, don’t leave me, catch me, ahhh!

🙇🏼‍♀️Fat girlfriend falls on boyfriend: Ahhhhhh *dump*

🙇🏼‍♀️🙇🏼Fat girlfriend and boyfriend: Fat girlfriend: U didn’t catch me wawawawa. Boyfriend: Get off me, 900 pounds, ugh, I hate u!

Story done. Please like.

Bro if I die I want to die blown up by 34 pounds of c4 at a furry convention

Yo mama is so fat that she got on the scale, and it says, "Lose some pounds before you get on the scale, or it will break!"

What weighs 70 pounds and doesn't like sex?

The 6-year-old in the trunk of my car.

If I had a genie grant me wishes, I wouldn't wish for a million pounds. I'd just wish that every time I buy something I just have the right amount of money in my pocket at the time.