Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and Michael Jackson screwed little boys.
Why did you always see Michael Jackson wearing two white gloves?
Because masturbation is against Michael Jackson's religious beliefs.
What's yellow and smells of Marge? Homer Simpson's fingers!
Mom: I saw John Cena at WWE.
Son: No way, you can’t see him though.
Mom: God!
Son: What?
Mom: You watch too much reality TV (comes to smack butt).
Son: Also because I’m John Cena.
Mom: Where, where’d ya go?
John Cena: Hey, Mom.
Mom: I’m only 31, you’re 42.
Are you a wild girl, cause I want to catch you with my pokeballs?
What is a superhero’s 🦸♀️ favorite drink?
Fruit punch!
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
Chuck Norris and Medusa had a staring contest. Medusa turned to stone.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?
One's made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other one carries your shopping.
Chuck Norris once stared a basilisk in the eye, and it DIED!
Which Pokemon listens to Aha?
Takemeon.
Chris Brown, More like Chris Brownie hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe!
How many times do I tap that ass? OVER 9000!
What did Nicki Minaj say when she sat next to a bomb?
"Bang bang right through the roof. Bang bang all over you."
What do Will from "Stranger Things" and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air have in common? They're both named Will, and their lives both got flipped, turned upside down.
What song does Saturn sing?
"If you like it then you should have put a ring on it."
What do you get when you mix up a group of emos?
Suicide squad.
SPOILER ALERT...
I was going to tell you a joke about Thanos, but T. S. snapped it away!
Bob Ross fighting in Vietnam. "They're in the happy little trees, shoot the happy little trees and bushes!"
