Pool

Pool jokes

Cannibal

    • What does the cannibal say when he jumps into the pool?

    CANNONBALL! P.S. I made this myself.

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    • Pool memes

    Baby

    • How do you fit 1000 babies in a swimming pool?

    A blender.

    How do you get them out? Slurp them up with a straw.

    Death

    • Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

    Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

    Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

    Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

    Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

    Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

    Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

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    • Guy

    • What happens when a guy is in a pool with a deck and no one is around? The guy has to pee, get up on the deck, and stick it between the bars and pee.

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    • Penaldo

    • I was swimming in a pool on my vacation when a fan of mine approached me. He said he wanted an autograph and gave me a pen to sign it. I accidentally dropped the pen in the pool. Suddenly, Penaldo came out of NOWHERE and dove to save it. He said he always dives for pens.

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    • Swing

    • Why did Sally fall off the swing? "Why?" 'Cause she had no arms.

    Why did Sally drop a broom? "Why?" 'Cause she had no arms.

    Why did Sally go swimming? She didn't like not having arms.

    Knock knock. "Who's there?" Not Sally, she hasn't come back yet.

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    • Sex

    • What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."

    "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

    Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

    They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

    Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They're always on the lookout for a tight seal.

    I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

    Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

    What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married? The wedding ring.

    What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

    "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

    A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

    How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.

    If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

    A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

    What do tofu and dildos have in common? They are both meat substitutes.

    Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

    What does a perverted frog say? "Rubbit."

    What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus.

    How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

    Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

    An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

    Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells.

    What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

    Let's play carpenter! First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.

    What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

    How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone.

    What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.

    What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.

    What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.

    What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off.

    What did the leper say to the sex worker? "Keep the tip."

    What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam.

    What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

    What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's fingers.

    What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas.

    Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes.

    A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

    What did one butt cheek say to the other? "Together, we can stop this crap."

    A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

    What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator.

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    • Baby

    • What do you call blue and orange at the bottom of a pool?

    A baby with flat armbands!

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    • Astronaut

    • Astronaut In The Ocean-By- Masked Wolf and watersharky Music Productions-

    Astro-naut

    What you know about rollin' down in the deep?

    When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze

    When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah

    I feel like an astronaut in the ocean, ayy

    What you know about rollin' down in the deep?

    When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze

    When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah

    I feel like an astronaut in the ocean

    She say that I'm cool (damn straight)

    I'm like "yeah, that's true" (that's true)

    I believe in G-O-D (ayy)

    Don't believe in T-H-O-T

    She keep playing me dumb (play me)

    I'ma play her for fun (uh-huh)

    Y'all don't really know my mental

    Lemme give you the picture like stencil

    Falling out, in a drought

    No flow, rain wasn't pouring down (pouring down)

    See, that pain was all around

    See, my mode was kinda lounged

    Didn't know which-which way to turn

    Flow was cool but I still felt burnt

    Energy up, you can feel my surge

    I'ma kill everything like this purge (ayy)

    Let's just get this straight for a second, I'ma work

    Even if I don't get paid for progression, I'ma get it (get it)

    Everything that I do is electric

    I'ma keep it in a motion, keep it moving like kinetic, ayy (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

    Put this shit in a frame, better know I don't blame

    Everything that I say, man I seen you deflate

    Let me elevate, this ain't a prank

    Have you walkin' on a plank, la-la-la-la-la, like

    Both hands together, God, let me pray (now let me pray)

    Uh, I've been going right, right around, call that relay (Masked Wolf)

    Pass the baton, back and I'm on

    Swimming in the pool, Kendrick Lamar, uh

    Want a piece of this, a piece of mine, my peace a sign

    Can you please read between the lines?

    My rhyme's inclined to break your spine

    They say that I'm so fine

    You could never match my grind

    Please do not, not waste my time

    What you know about rollin' down in the deep?

    When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze

    When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah

    I feel like an astronaut in the ocean, ayy

    What you know about rollin' down in the deep?

    When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze

    When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah

    I feel like an astronaut in the ocean.