Pet jokes
The teacher called Little Johnny to her desk. She said: “This essay you’ve written about your pet dog is exactly the same essay your brother has written.”
“Of course it is,” said Johnny. “It’s the same dog.”
What’s the difference between a child and someone who has been kidnapped?
One of them is a domesticated pet.
Are you my fish? Because you're supposed to be dead.
What's an Asian's favorite food place?
Answer: Petco
What's a cat's favorite color? Purrrple!
Memes
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It don't matter what you call it, 'cause it ain't gonna come to you.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
Who is more loyal: a dog or a wife?
Well, lock them both in your trunk for two hours and drive around and see which one is happy to see you.
Why did the cat meow?
Because it's a cat, and they meow.
We were so poor when we were kids, dad used to jerk off the dog to feed the cat.
What kind of dogs do miners like best?
Golden retrievers, haha, get it?
READ THIS OUT LOUD:
This is this cat.
This is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is an cat.
This is idiot cat.
This is a busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
this is seconds cat.
NOW- go back and read the third word from each line from the start.
What is a pup's favorite pizza?
Pupperoni
What do you call a dog that tells the time?
A watchdog.
One day, a cop pulls a van over, and when he walks up to the window, he sees ten penguins in the back.
The cop asks the man, “Are those your penguins?”
The man says, “Yes, they are my pets.”
The cop replies to the man, “You need to take them to the zoo right now.”
So the man agrees and drives off. The next day, the cop pulls over the same van, and he walks up to the window and sees the ten penguins all wearing sunglasses.
The cop says to the man, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.”
The man says, “I did! Today, we are going to the beach!”
What is similar about a dog and a woman? You can ask them to come.
What does Hellen Keller call her dog?
"NAUSHFBUYGWF"
There are 50 dogs and 48 cats.
How many are hungry?
A. 10
What did the squirrel say to the dog?
"There are nuts in your poop. I found them!"
If a cat hits you with her tail, is it considered being pussy whipped?