Pet jokes
My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. Do you know what he said?
"Get your paws off!" 💩💩💩
A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.
The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.
The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.
"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.
The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."
What is the difference between a dog and a cat?
I don't know either.
Why do you think I asked you? ;)
A guy says to his dog, "Where are you?" The dog was actually dead, bro.
I went outside to catch some dog, but I mist.
The thing about animals is every time you pick one up, you have to put it down.
Times have been so tough lately, I have had to jerk off the dog just to feed the cat.
If the hairdresser is healthy, the cat is happy. *purr*.
On the other hand, if the hairdresser is sick, the cat is happy too. *purrs on the bed*
What does a stray cat/dog have in common?
Both of them don't have a home!
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.
She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”
Yo mama so hairy that when she go to the hair salon they say, "No pets allowed."
What’s the difference between a cat and a dog? It’s easier to throw a cat against the wall.
How do you know if an Asian has been in your house?
Your dog's gone.
Your finances are done.
And your floaties.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
I named my dog "J," and everyone thought I said "jam."
There are 50 dogs and 48 cats.
How many are hungry?
A. 10
Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!
I named my cousin's parrot Michell, and then I started to call Mikey "Mikey", right? I'm starting to teach my cousin Sammy how to say "Mikey Mikey" and he says "mekiy meiky" 😆
"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me."
We never saw him again.
Right, I have a dog and his name is Syndrome, and whenever he is good, I go "Good Syndrome," but whenever he is naughty, I go "Down Syndrome."