Two lesbians adopted a cat. That night, the cat ran away. Why?
Because it heard one say, "I'm gonna eat that pussy."
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
What has two legs and is red all over?
Half a cat.
billie: hi.
me: You wanna hear a story?
billie: Yes, sure.
me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.
How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!
There was a dog in the middle of the room, so I called it and started to play fetch. Then my mother shouted at me for playing with my food. I missed it, but it was tasty.
I adopted a dog. It's gone now.
At least homeless people in China are not starving.
How do you make a cat go "woof"?
... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"
There once was a woman who had 10 kids. Their names were:
Tenth, Twenty, Thirty, Forty, Fifty, Sixty, Seventy, Eighty, Ninety, and One Hundred.
Everyone but Ninety died. She also had 10 kids.
These 10 kids got a dog without Ninety knowing. They had him for 2 years until he got hit by a car.
Only Ninety's kids know about this.
My cat got in a fight. It was a catastrophe.
When my dog barks, he gets ruff.
When my dog starts to bark, he starts to get ruff.
Why did the cat meow?
Because it's a cat, and they meow.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't coming.
What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler? Just the Rottweiler.
You're the bunny, and I'm the Rottweiler.
What do you do with a dog that have no legs, - Take him for a drag
Cats are like onions; when I cut them, I cry.
If a cat hits you with her tail, is it considered being pussy whipped?
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A pitbull in a children's play area.
What do you call a dog magician?
Labracadabrador!
