My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.
I had a dog with an eating disorder.
He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.
A good dog name is Syndrome. That way when it tries attacking, you can yell, "Down, Syndrome!"
Times have been so tough lately, I have had to jerk off the dog just to feed the cat.
I was reading a book about an immortal dog yesterday...
It was impossible to put down.
One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.
"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂
As a little boy, I walked in on my parents having intercourse one night, and of course, my parents stopped and sent me back to bed.
The next day my dad tells me, "Don't worry son, I wasn't hurting mommy, we were just trying to make you a little sister."
So, when I was young I always wanted a pet. I then looked at my father and asked, "Could you do mommy doggy style next time? I want a puppy."
When I was a child, I was made to walk the plank... We couldn't afford a dog.
One man's pet is another man's dinner.
What kind of dogs do miners like best?
Golden retrievers, haha, get it?
Mom: There is so much of the dog's dirty ball marks.
Me: *umm ohh no* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA dirty balls!
Q: What's the similarity between a dog and a bed?
A: I can jump on my bed. A: And I use a pillow on both of them.
I once had a pet snake, exactly 3.14 meters.
He was a great πthon.
The thing about animals is every time you pick one up, you have to put it down.
Doc: Can I help you?
Girl: Doctor, I have pain in my heart.
Doc: When did it begin?
Girl: Right now (seeing him like a doll).
Doc: Hh...do you like me? I know I am handsome...
Girl: No, don’t get me wrong. You just look like someone I know.
Doc: Who is that? Is your boyfriend?
Girl: No, it’s my pet (rabbit), his name is Rokie.
Why don’t you have a pet cheetah?
There cheetah you.
Why is the chicken that crossed the road a cannibal? Because he went to KFC.
Okay, One time I there was my dog. But then the dog, it fell.
Then I f**ked my dog hard in the a**.
When a cat gets a sibling, do they say, "Oh, shit! Another mew kid?!?!?!"
Why did the dog join the marching band?
Because he had his trum-bone.
