Pet jokes
I have a fish that can breakdance only for 20 seconds, and he can only do it once.
A sister went to her brother's room and says,
"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"
"Yes, sis."
"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)
"My pet snake."
"Can I pet it?"
"Yes."
He wakes up in a hospital.
"What happened?"
"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."
"You dummy!"
"Whaaat?"
I started crying when my dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
I was chopping onions with my brothers, so my little sisters cried. Onions was a good dog.
I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I ran five miles today. I ran over 5 miles.
What's yellow and can’t swim?
Your dead fish.
I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I walk 5 miles each day.
But today I ran OVER 5 miles... oops!
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog!
If I were a cat, I'd spend all nine of my lives with you.
As a kid, I was made to walk the plank.
Because we couldn't afford a dog.
add me in Roblox wholetthedogsoutyou1 lol who let the dogs out you you you you you?
Are you dead? Because you look like my dog.
Where do you mix a bunny and a hare?
Bunny hair.
Why did the boy get a koala? He had the koalafications.
A day in the life of a Biden voter.
$2000 stimulus check? Nah, $1400...some day.
No more kids in cages? Nah, more kids in cages.
$15 minimum wage? Nah, $11. Maybe.
50k loan forgiveness? Nah. Lol.
No more deportations? Nah, they're still leaving.
Women's rights? Nah, dudes in women's sports.
New COVID bill? Nah, mostly bailouts and pet projects.
Cheap insulin? Nah, jack those prices up.
Defeat fascism? Nah, barbed wire fences around DC.
The fucking cat!
I hit something when I pulled into my driveway.
And then I noticed that my cat was missing.
My mom wanted me to brush my hair.
And I just told her that even pet animals don't like their hair brushed...
What would you name your pet rabbit?
Harry.
How do you check that a rabbit is old?
You check how many gray hares it has.