A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"
Pet Jokes
What do you call a dog that tells the time?
A watchdog.
I started crying when my mom was cutting up onions.
Onions was a good dog.
The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.
I started crying when dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.
I like cats.
I had a dog with an eating disorder.
He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.
A good dog name is Syndrome. That way when it tries attacking, you can yell, "Down, Syndrome!"
Times have been so tough lately, I have had to jerk off the dog just to feed the cat.
I named my dog "5 miles," so now I can tell people I walk "5 miles" everyday. 😏😎
I was reading a book about an immortal dog yesterday...
It was impossible to put down.
One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.
"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂
As a little boy, I walked in on my parents having intercourse one night, and of course, my parents stopped and sent me back to bed.
The next day my dad tells me, "Don't worry son, I wasn't hurting mommy, we were just trying to make you a little sister."
So, when I was young I always wanted a pet. I then looked at my father and asked, "Could you do mommy doggy style next time? I want a puppy."
When I was a child, I was made to walk the plank... We couldn't afford a dog.
I love my dog and all dogs.
One man's pet is another man's dinner.
What do dogs eat? Dog food.
Why can’t an orphan have a dog? It always runs away.
What kind of dogs do miners like best?
Golden retrievers, haha, get it?
