Pet jokes
I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
I put my fish on a leash so I could teach him to walk. Then I took him out for a walk. Then, when I put him back in the tank, he stopped moving.
When you steal the weird pet rock, so he pulls out his pet Glock.
What do you call a cow with no legs? (Ground Beef!) No, a cow! The absence of legs does not change the fact that the species is still a cow!
What do you call a DOG with no legs? (A dog?) It doesn't matter what you call it, as it's never going to come.
People want to be nice to each other because they only have one life, and they want to live it well.
Sucks to be them. I'm a cat.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
...You can't call it anything. It won't come to you.
Women are like dogs...
"Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?"
"Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?"
"I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here..."
SHOES
I went outside to catch some dog, but I mist.
Me holding a new cat: Say hi to my little friend!
My friends: Hi to my little friend!
A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”
The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”
Guess who dies next.
What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't f***ing matter, it's still not f***ing coming.
I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.
One dog said to the other dog, "Man, it is hard sleeping on the floor."
The other said, "Really? I like my bed."
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You'd run too if your name was dgergbbfdnbj.
Very sad today. Found my pet mouse "Elvis" dead this morning. He was caught in a trap.
There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shitzu.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.