I went outside to catch some dog, but I mist.
Me holding a new cat: Say hi to my little friend!
My friends: Hi to my little friend!
A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”
The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”
Guess who dies next.
What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't f***ing matter, it's still not f***ing coming.
I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.
One dog said to the other dog, "Man, it is hard sleeping on the floor."
The other said, "Really? I like my bed."
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You'd run too if your name was dgergbbfdnbj.
Very sad today. Found my pet mouse "Elvis" dead this morning. He was caught in a trap.
There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shitzu.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me."
We never saw him again.
My dog has no nose.
How does he smell?
Terrible!
What does a cat say when it's angry?
- Stop stressing meowt!
What is similar about a dog and a woman? You can ask them to come.
Two lesbians adopted a cat. That night, the cat ran away. Why?
Because it heard one say, "I'm gonna eat that pussy."
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
My friend made a joke about dogs. I said it was a RUFF joke.
What has two legs and is red all over?
Half a cat.
