Pet jokes
What's wrong with Asian pet stores?
There's no pets.
There's a kid with loads of new firemen equipment and sees a fire engine go past and the kid asks the firemen, "Come have a look at my new gear." So the firemen go look at his gear, so then the kid says:
"I've got a helmet, a big jacket, and an oxygen tank, and a little wheelbarrow for my gear."
Firemen say: "Why is there a rope tied around a cat's balls?"
The kid says, "So I can have a siren nnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn"
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
I was at school one day, and my teacher gave me homework. Once I got home, I did not do my homework, but I watched TV. After the movie, I finally went to go do my homework. I was almost done with my homework when I got to the last question. I didn't know the answer, so I asked the closest living being to me, which was my dog, and I asked him: what's two minus two? He said nothing.
Hears a clean joke: My horse got muddy, so I gave him a bubble bath.
Now hears a dirty joke: Bubbles is the horse next door.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Ground beef.
I couldn't find my cat, and then my pillow started meowing.
A guy says to his dog, "Where are you?" The dog was actually dead, bro.
When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"
The last thing I said to my dog was,
"Play dead."
You masturbate...
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
You won't get any Squirtle and Bulbasaur pets.
What do you call a deaf dog? As you like, he doesn't hear you anyway.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter; it won’t come anyway.
Sometimes I am happy, and there are times I envy my dog.
My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.
Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.
She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”
My mom ate my food, so I ate her pet hamster.
Why did the cats go in the litterbox?? To take a poop!
I started crying when Dad began to cut onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
Someone asked me what the lines on my wrist were from. I answered, "My cat has OCD."