What do you call a person who tries to get you on a dating website... a Brodie.
Personal Jokes
A blind person walks into a bar.
Because they can’t see where they are going.
They say that bad things happen to good people.
So if you get run over by a car just know you're a good person.
I was trying to make friends, and this one person came up to me. They said, "Lettuce be friends?" I just laughed and said that was tear-able.
What is the chair's favorite person?
A sit-izen.
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
The FBI said, "Open up!" I shout to them.
A person said, "Cookie sale." I opened up. He fucked me.
What’s the difference between a living and dead person?
I don’t know, I just bury the coffin.
*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."
Person 2: "Probably Bullets."
Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"
Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."
Person 1: "...."
Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."
Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.
What do you call a gay person in Antarctica?
Bi-Polar.
What's the difference between a pizza & a person?
A pizza doesn't scream when I try to shove it into an oven...
What do you call a Black person flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist!
Katie Price's answer for everything is darkness.
She isn't a dull person, but playing eye spy with my little eye with Harvey is just way too easy.
The person next to me on my flight was shocked when they found out I was Arabian. I lagged so hard my gerber almost fell out of my pocket.
Guy: Say "I'm a man" every time I stop.
Person:
Guy: You walk into a bar.
Person: I'm a man.
Guy: You meet a girl.
Person: I'm a man.
Guy: You and the girl go to a hotel.
Person: I'm a man.
Guy: You guys go on a bed.
Person: I'm a man.
Guy: She whispers into your ear...
Person: I'm a man!
Yo mama is so ugly, even the ugliest person in the world looked like a sword standing next to her.
So, a guy walks into a gas station and walks to the person working and says, "Can I have a Kit Kat Chunky?" So she gets him one, and then he says, "No, I want a normal Kit Kat, you fat bitch!"
One day, someone goes out into the forest to go hunting, and finds out there are a few others in the forest. He comes back the next day to learn he is the only person there.
Where are the others?
They're in his freezer.
What do you call a retarded person and a stroke victim in the same bed?
Mashed potatoes.
